We all know what Thanksgiving means. It’s a time to come together with 4 to 400 of your worst closest relatives to scream about politics celebrate all the many things you have to be grateful for that year. The night before Thanksgiving, however, is just as drunk sacred a holiday, and TBH, it’s time someone talked about it. Thanksgiving Eve is the one night a year when you can relive your high school years by hitting up local bars in your hometown and trying to see if people are still hot how the people from your high school turned out. In honor of this blessed event, we’re releasing our original poem ‘Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving. TBH, I’ll be shocked if parents don’t read this to their children for many years to come.
‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving
And all through the streets
People who haven’t spoken since high school are preparing to meet
On Instagram they’re posting new thirst traps with care
In hopes that that hot guy from freshman year will be there
Grandmas and grandpas are all snug in their beds
As visions of you as a lawyer dance in their heads
My bestie in her choker, and me in my tiny-ass dress
Had just arrived at the bar
To get twisted AF
At the end of the night my bestie puked in a cup
So we called her an Uber before anyone could tell what was up
Then away to the DJ we tore in a flash
And ran straight into my high school prom date, asking to crash
At my place because he was “too drunk to go home”
So I ghosted his ass because no…just no…
As the disco ball gave light to the dance floor below
My friend goes, “These dudes are all fives we should GTFO”
When what to my wandering eye should appear — a full 7, maybe 8 — if I have one more beer
I felt like I recognized him, but couldn’t tell from where
I don’t remember anyone from high school having such good hair
He’s immediately swarmed by girls (like, a lot)
I guess it pays off to be hometown hot
Bye, Ashley! Bye, Emma! Bye, Britney and Karen!
These chicks are too thirsty, you can see them all starin’
Surrounded by people whose names I forget
I say to my bestie, “Why hasn’t he talked to me yet?”
And then in a twinkle, I heard hometown guy say, “Do you want a drink?”
And I’m like, “Okay”
That’s when I saw him, for real in the light, and immediately texted my bestie in fright
I remember this dude! This creepy-ass dweeb! It’s the guy who got a boner in home room. What was his name? Steve?
“Steve’s hot now!” I text, hoping not to be seen
Trying to remember if I’d ever talked to him, or if I was mean
“Do you remember me?” he asked, with a goofy-ass grin
“A little,” I answer, “Ugh — is this gin?”
Then he starts going off about how I was a bitch
And I’m like, “Hold up, Mr. 7, you’re not hot enough for this!”
Then would you believe it, this man still wants to hook up
I send a side-eye to my friend cuz like, enough is enough
I throw my drink in his face and post his tears to my story
I’m not taking this shit, I’m not nearly that horny
Where the fuck is my friend? Oh, she’s dancing on the bar
I tell her “Steve’s over. He’s cancelled. He took it too far.”
I look around me to see all the girls I used to hate
Now I have to make conversation and be fake
Some chick named Megan tells me she just bought a house
And I’m like, “Weren’t you the girl who fainted when we dissected a mouse?”
Two girls from my track team start blabbering about their kids
And I’m like “Fuck, I need to get out of here. I’m too young for this.”
I take out my phone and I call us an Uber
Just because I’m 27 now doesn’t mean I’m gonna hang out with losers
We Irish goodbye so no one notices our disappearance
Now it’s time to go home and eat pie with my parents…
Happy Hangover Thanksgiving, from my desire to show people who barely remember me from my high school that I’m cool now, to yours!
