How Do I Stop Having One Night Stands and Get a Real Boyfriend? Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

I’m gunna start off by saying I’m not ugly, because with the question I’m about to ask, your first thought will probably be “poor girl, no one finds her attractive.” I have a rather extensive list of people who I’ve slept with… And lots of guys are interested in taking me home from the bar. This is all fun and games for the first couple years in university, but for whatever reason, when I turned 20 last week it all hit me– I have never, not once, in my now 20 years of existence had something that even resembles that of a relationship (is that even legal..?). My question is, between going home from the bar with someone, sleeping over, and sneaking out at 7am the next morning, how on earth am I supposed to convince someone that I’m girlfriend material? Where else can I meet people who are interesting (not creepy ie. Tinder, dating websites, randoms who whistle at me on the street etc) and not even necessarily that good looking who would consider dating me before the age of 30?


Desperate Betch whose family thinks she’s a lesbian.

Dear Delusional,

Okay, let’s get one thing straight: being able to find guys who are willing to hit it and quit it / take you home from the bar doesn’t make you attractive necessarily. In case you haven’t noticed, most dudes will fuck anything (as evidenced by the fact that fleshlights exist). Too many girls wear their ability to get bros to sleep with them as a badge of pride but tbh dick is easy to get. What’s not easy, as you’re currently experiencing, is getting the dick to stick around. Therein, as they say, lies the rub (weirdly sexual pun intended).

You’re not meeting the wrong people, you’re just meeting them the wrong way. You’re right, nowhere between you going home with some bro from the bar, having sloppy blackout sex and slinking home before the sunrise is he ever going to see you as anything but booty call material. Like did you ever stop to think the reason you’ve never dated anyone is because you haven’t tried to go on a date? Or like, hang out with guys sober? Or like even just hang out with them?? Idk about you but my one-night stands were not exactly what I’d call “quality time spent truly getting to know a person”. That’s your problem. You don’t live in an “edgy” romantic comedy, pretty much no guy is going to be like “that girl’s drunk sex game was so good I’ve gotta wife her up.” It does not happen.

Not to sound anti-feminist, but if you want a guy to date you you’re going to have to hold off on sleeping with him, at least until the alcohol wears off. Not that you need to hold sex as a bargaining chip for monogamy (don’t do that), but you need to spend time with a guy, preferably sober and definitely not in a let’s-bang-right-now-even-though-we-just-met context and see if you are interested in each other as actual people. Then you can (maybe) sleep with him. Otherwise, you can’t get mad that you only have one-night stands and proceed to get treated only like a one-night stand.

You know what they say about the definition of madness,
The Betches

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