Sleep is for the weak. That’s why God created Adderall! The best thing about not sleeping — i.e. being on drugs — is that you’re allotted more time to do important things. Like binge-watch old reality TV shows that are no longer airing, finish that second bottle of wine because it was actually your roommate’s and your trying to send her a passive aggressive message, or lash out at the cast of “The Bachelor” on social media. IDK. Just some ideas.
But, if you’re on a no-sleep bender you’ll start to notice one major downside. All of the sudden, you look like hell in human form, and people are starting to get concerned. So here are the easiest ways to trick your friends, co-workers, and family members into thinking that you got a solid eight hours last night. (Because apparently it’s rude to respond to “You look tired” with “Go fuck yourself, I’ve just been up all night watching “The Hills” and doing some low key/super chill lines. Can I fucking live?!”)
1. Cold Spoons
Place two spoons in your freezer for at least a few hours. Then, press the spoons under your eyes to eliminate puffiness and/or all of last night’s regrets.
2. Massage Your Face
To get the blood flowing back into your skin, grab a soothing face oil (try Josie Maran’s Pure Argan Oil) and massage around your temple, cheeks, and chin in a circular motion. Try not to commit suicide.
3. Mix An Illuminator Into Your Foundation
To combat dull skin, put a pea sized amount of illuminator, like this one by NARS, into your foundation and apply the foundation as usual. Because covering up your face is the same thing as covering up all of your poor life choices.
4. Put Highlighter On The Inner Corners Of Your Eyes
You’ll need all the help you can get to make your eyes look bigger, brighter, and less mad about seeing the sun and other humans.
5. Use A Nude Eyeliner
Line your inner rims with a nude eyeliner to help convince others that you are indeed paying attention to what they are saying, despite the glassy and vacant look in your pupils.
6. Curl Your Lashes
Lashes that are curled = eyes that are more open = you looking more awake. For best results, curl once at the base of the lash, once at the middle, and once at the end. Pro tip: lash curler can double as a device that keeps your eyes from closing! Just hold it in place and don’t move it. Ever. (Sorry, no blinking.)