You’re Not Fooling Anyone With Your Topless Nature Pics

There’s been some sort of terrible epidemic lately of thirst traps going on hikes. Let me explain.

Aside from the fact hiking is disgusting, these Ralph Waldo Emerson quotation barfers are trying to low-key pretend like they’re really into nature, when, in fact, it’s pretty obvious they’re really just into attention.

For example, my social media feeds are clogged with acquaintances and bloggers seemingly exploring nature topless.  Why do these types feel the need to take their clothes off outside somewhere, put their arms up, and have their less attractive and/or dude friend take a photo? It’s weird, right?

Did the ocean ask to see your boobs? Did this mountain need a self-esteem boost so you showed it your tiny Tetons?  Did this canyon not call you back so you wanted to let it know what it was missing? My guess is no, no and no.


It’s not that I have a problem with boobs or even nature, really. My problem lies with the fact that you’re trying really hard to seem like a free spirit. A true free spirit would probably not copy a picture they’ve seen on Tumblr a thousand times and then pass it off as their own on Instagram. A true nature lover would realize that West Nile and Zika are transferred by mosquitos and would keep their shirt on so their tits don’t get attacked.


If you wouldn’t have your boobs out on a Tuesday in your own living room, it’s kind of bullshit to say it was just “natural” for you to go topless for the sake of a dope photo at Arches. National parks have seen enough of your bullshit this year. You didn’t do it for yourself; you did it for the likes.

In general, if your life motto is “Not all who wander are lost”, you should probably wander off a cliff. But, at least, keep your shirt on while you’re at it. 


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