Everybody knows betches love blacking out, but it takes a true betch to admit when she’s been blacking out too much and needs to stop. You might be wondering how a betch would survive if she wasn’t fucked up, but I’m here to tell you that being sober is actually, like, really awesome—and don’t let your friends peer pressure you into thinking otherwise. Since April is the betches’ month of sobriety, we’re breaking down the many benefits of being alcohol-free. OMG, where do we even start??
1. You don’t wake up with your fake eyelashes glued to your lip and a full face of makeup wiped off on your pillow.
2. Wait, fuck. That’s definitely not your pillow. Whose bed is this? That’s not Jeremy.
3. There’s no frantic checking of text messages you sent and voicemails you left on Jeremy’s phone. “Jeremy, I fucking leeeeove youuuui. Do you loeove me?”
4. There are no pictures of you trying to feed beer to the pigeon outside of the club.
5. You didn’t try to get into the club with your library card. “Do you know who I am? I’m fucking Elsa from Frozen.”
6. This conversation definitely can’t be found in your group chat: “Anyone seen Hannah?” “Last time I saw her she was writing her boss’s email on drink napkins and handing them out to guys saying, ‘Call this bitch and tell her no I won’t be working overtime on Sunday, and I fucking quit!'”
7. Yeah, the reason your cute TA isn’t looking at you on Monday is because you sent his mom a Facebook friend request and tagged him in an article about finding the perfect engagement ring.
8. You maybe changed all your passwords to something you thought was really funny and clever at the time and have no fucking clue what is is now. It’s probably micropenis1234!
9. You reactivated your Neopets account and requested $400,000 from your dad on Venmo to finance your addiction.
10. Your head doesn’t hurt.
But who are we kidding, we’ll take all the embarrassment and headaches if it means we’re not fucking boring. Cheers, betches!