It's that time of the year again when you go back to college and essentially seal your fate of having a liver transplant at some point in your life. If you don't consider yourself to be an alcoholic during syllabus week you might as well just drop out now. You're clearly wasting your parents' money.
Forget a new fucking notebook or the perfect first day of class outfit. We're not in fourth grade anymore. Put away the agenda and grab a Natty Light because your days here are numbered and the less you remember the better.
Here's what every college betch actually needs to make the most of another semester in the land of day drinks and frat bros whose morals rival our own.