Hey betches. Welcome to our first Top 10 List and organized judging sesh of 2013. Before you start reading, we want to give a little disclaimer that we’re not including people on this list who are so painfully obviously slutty, like Courtney Stodden or the Jersey Shore cast, because like ew, how trashy and boring would that list be. These are the celebs who we think are sluts, without ever having met them, based mostly off of their tweets, nudey pics and/or sex tapes and our entirely baseless opinions of course. And we all know that’s worth a lot. So without further ado, the list.
10. Scarlett Johansson
ScarHo’s entire aura reeks of slut. She was whoreing herself out in Vicky Xtina Barcelona, He’s Just Not That Into You, Iron Man 2, Match Point, the list goes on. Her nude bathroom selfies don’t help her case either.
We can’t actually think of the slutty shit that Xtina’s done, except just kind of be slutty, but you don’t get your name changed from Christina to X-tina by embodying the perfect Catholic child. After watching her a few times on the Voice, Xtina seems like the ultimate TGF in Hollywood. Simply judging by her streaky spray tans, overbearing and shiny cleavage, and every-other-week weight fluctuations, we can assume that TGF is her only option for G’ingF’ed. Quel dommage.
8. Amanda Bynes
We once read this conspiracy theory that Mandy Bynes is shadily a high priced Hollywood call-girl. I mean sure, sounds probable. That would at least explain why she hasn’t been in anything since Easy A, where she ironically played a girl seriously hell-bent on chastity. The betch doth protest too much.
7. Mary-Kate Olsen
As much as we hate to pass judgment on half of the former Michelle Tanner, there are definitely a few sketchy men in the life of the betchier Olsen. First of all, do you remember how obsessed she was with finding Dean from Gilmore Girls in New York Minute when all Ashley wanted to do was get to Columbia so she could get into college? Or how she was really into hooking up with Sir Ben Kingsley in a phone booth in the Wackness. Priorities, MK, priorities. Not to mention she’s dating a 40 year old now and casually owned the apartment where Heath Ledger died. On that basis, we’ll assume they’ve fucked.
6. Justin Bieber
He possibly knocked up an older woman, probably hooked up with that Victoria’s Secret model and we just know when Scooter Braun lets him off the leash he’ll fuck anything in North America, including Canadians. Never say Never, eh?
5. Nicki Minaj
So many personalities, so many sexual appetites.
4. Kim Kardashian
We don’t have any proof of any infidelity or prostitution on Kim K’s part, but we know that’s because if such evidence existed Kris Jenner would have it burned in the furnace where she disposes of embarrassing family secrets that might offend E!’s advertisers. I mean, it was a sex tape that got them famous in the first place. Whatevs, if you ask us, one sex tape + one Vegas marriage when you’re like 19 + one 72-day marriage + being pregnant with Kanye’s bastard baby = ho fo sho.
Sure we just made her betch of the year 2012 but by no means does that save her from us labeling her a slut like a week later. When you’re the cause of several brawls between several rappers and their entourages, it’s safe to assume they’re not fighting to pop your cherry. And anyone who refers to her nicknamed vagina as a “she” while tapping “her” during performances on national television is most likely not saving herself.
2. Taylor Swift
After conquering more celebrities than George Clooney has in a lifetime three times hers, Taylor’s little blonde waves, sundresses and songs about Romeo and Juliet are fooling fucking no one. Taylor shops for boyfriends like she does those fugly retro bathing suits, which is to say, more than enough. Like give Ethel Kennedy back her swimwear and move on to your next fetus man-friend.
1. Hayden Panettierre
For our #1 slut we’re going to do a little word association. When you say Hayden, I say smells like a baby prostitute. Who remembers Hayden’s little breakout role in Remember The Titans (I wanted a win real bad, coach!), where she learned the ways of the WGG and launched her “career.” We don’t know what it is about Hayden, maybe because her name reminds us that anyone who drops the spirit stick goes to Hades, or maybe it’s just her timelessly classy darker-skin-than-hair look. Oh and remember that conspiracy we mentioned before? Well
it Robert Downey Jr postulates that Hay is like the number #1 whore in Hollywood (just fucking google it), sleeping with producers, directors, and makeup artists, alike. Basically, her role on Nashville might be considered a biography.
Honorable Mention – Audrina Patridge
She’s not only played a slut in the uber hit Sorority Row but has done her fair share of reality bros. From actually agreeing to fuck a guy who refers to himself as “Justin Bobby” to hooking up with Brody and what is I’m sure at least 60% of aspiring Los Angeles musicians, we’re sure the A in Audrina doesn’t stand for fucking abstinent.