Everyone knows this eventually needed to happen because like, how could it not? The show we grew up on, the one we still quote in casual conversation with strangers, the one about which we have serious anxiety writing about because there is just too much to fucking say. Could we BE talking about anything other than the betch almighty of television? Throwback Thursday: The One With Friends.
So where do we begin? The girls? The guys? Marcel?
Rachel Green: Seeing as we've already dubbed her betch of the week she's clearly the winner of betchiest Friend. She was more popular than Brad Pitt in high school, was brought up spoiled and rich, had a nose job, dated Jean-Claude Van Damme, and made a living in fashion. While Monica was stuck hooking up with grandpa Richard and Phoebe with Hank Azaria, Rachel gets with Paolo, Tag, Mark, JoshUA, Bruce Willis, the Yeti, Gavin, Joey, and unfortunately Winona Ryder.
As much as we want to talk about THE relationship of the 90s and whether or not they were on a break (yes they were) it bothers us because Ross is so fucking annoying. But we'll get to that later. We'd rather talk about how we kind of loved the episodes leading up to Rachel and Joey revealing their mutual crushes on each other. Sure it happened in the late seasons when the show kind of “sucked” (blasphemy) and in theory it was like the worst match because they're both extremely stupid (i.e. makes a meat and custard casserole, tells Josh-ua she wants to get married, agrees with Phoebe that Mexico fought in WWII, has child with Ross) but it was sort of cute and honestly, we'd take anyone other than Ross.
“Isn't that just kick you in the crotch spit on your neck fantastic?”
Rachel: You know Ross was never very good at the flirting thing
Ross: What- what are you talking about ? It worked with you
Rachel: Oh! Ya know what? You're right. We met, you flirted…and then BAM! Nine years later you had me!
Ross: And I'm Doctor Ross Geller
Rachel: Ross, please this is a hospital okay? That actually means something here.
Monica Geller: As much of a psychotic, controlling, competitive, cleaning freak she was, for some reason we fucking loved her. The skinniest of the group, assuming from all the adderall she was definitely prescribed, Monica takes the cake (literally, the whole thing) for most high strung anal Friend. Her best moments were during flashbacks when she'd call losing her virginity “deflowering,” severing Chandler's toe during a bizarre act of knife seduction, and generally prancing around in world's best fat suit. Her best moment for us was when she finds out that her first kiss was not with her prom date Roy, but with Ross. I WAS THE PILE OF CLOTHES!
And now, Chandler and Monica. In our opinion they beat Ross and Rachel for best couple. Maybe it's because we love Chandler or perhaps it's because we dislike Ross, but there was something about them that made us love them. Okay yes, the fact that she proposed to Chandler was extremely not okay but more importantly, where did she get all those candles?
“This has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery.”
“Ben, you wait here, and Santa, the armadillo, and I, will have a conversation in the kitchen…..there's a sentence I never thought I'd say.”
Monica: Why didn't you make a copy and put it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards away from the orginal?!
Phoebe: Because I'm normal?
Phoebe Buffay/Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock/Regina Phalange: Winner for biggest weirdo on Friends obvi goes to Phoebe. How could it not? She carries her brother's children, sings songs about smelly cats and odes to pubic hair, loves authentic apothecary tables from the days of yore, and was once a mugger. Granted she gets points for mugging Ross, but still, total freak.
Despite her eternal love for Joey, we were convinced she was going to be a lesbian. But no, producers fooled us there because who does she end up married to? None other than Paul Rudd. Actually, Phoebe was the chillest of them all. Even though she had strong morals, she always put them aside for shit she casually liked, like when she loved wearing Rachel's fur coat, when she ate meat, when she worked for a spa, and when she killed a bee to unsuccessfully learn that there is no such thing as a selfless good deed. Oh and that time she almost kissed Chandler because they don't know we know they know we know…and of course when she was able to get Ross to admit that there's a chance that evolution is not the way it happened just because she wanted to see if she could. She's also casually a member of the #17 Lucky Sperm Club being a descendant of Nestlay Tool-haus.
“Whenever I get married, guess who won't get to sing?
Somebody named Geller and somebody else named Bing!”
Earl: Okay, I don't need any toner because I'm going to kill myself.
Phoebe: Um… is… is that because you're out of toner?
Joey Tribbiani: Special Olympic gold medal for Hottest Friend goes to Joey. From thinking lemonade was code for sex with Monica, to getting sent down an elevator shaft as Dr. Drake Ramoray, to reviving Susan Sarandon with a simple brain transplant procedure, Joey proves to us that hot stupid people have hearts too. And no we don't care that none of those examples actually give proof of that. Joey was the most lovable character on Friends because he had so much love to give. He adored pizza, sandwiches, sex, Little Women, Ichiban Lipstick for Men, the Chick and the Duck, and of course Hugsy his bedtime penguin pal. Unfortunately Joey chose to take a failed spinoff so he finished the series as single but for his sake we we'll try to forget that.
“How you doin?”
Chandler: You've had a lot of sex, right?
Joey: Today? Some … not a lot.
Ross: Hypothetically speaking…
Joey: Wait. You lost me.
Joey: In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.
Interviewer: A “mento”?
Joey: You know, a mento. A role model.
Interviewer: A men…to.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: As a matter of fact, I do.
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point.
Rachel: A moo point?
Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo.
Miss Chanandler Bong: Maybe we just like Chandler because we appreciate his inability to not be sarcastic, but this bro was so fucking funny. Out of context he totally comes off as a huge loser: Flock of Seagulls haircut, his friends don't know what his job is, he can't dance, his dad is Kathleen Turner, was in love with Janice, only had sex with about 2 people in his life, was a strong confident woman…but there's no other way to appreciate Chandler Bing than quoting him.
“Handle? I can handle it. Handle is my middle name. Well, actually its the middle part of my first name.”
Rachel: Guess what, guess what, guess what!
Chandler: Um, ok. The fifth dentist caved and now they’re all recommending Trident?
Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane.
Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
[The One Where Phoebe is trying to raise money by selling knives]
Phoebe: Ok I know what you're thinking…
Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four?
Ross Geller: We don't know what award Ross would get. Most marriages/divorces? Best Stargazer? Tightest leather pants? Glow-iest teeth? Honestly sorry Ross fans, but like he's just soo…pathetic. Of course he has amazing lines but anytime I picture him all I see is that flamboyant sway-turn thing he does when he leaves a room. You all know it, circle the chin around then the body follows. But I guess we'll give him a break (because he was on one), and say that his keyboards, karatay, anger issues, beating Monica for the Geller Cup, love of napping with Joey kept us watching, laughing, and staying awake anytime he spoke about dinosaurs.
“I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn’t eat fast, you didn’t eat.”
“This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of a can. I should've known . . . .”
Chandler: You guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals, you have dreams. I don't have a dream.
Ross: Ah, the lesser known “I Don't Have a Dream speech.”
So betches, now that you've read an actual dissertation about a show that used to be on TV several years ago, you should probably go watch it because it's on. If you don't know what channel, it's probably because you're always in the library at this hour. We're genuinely sorry (rare, we know) that we did not mention everything there is to be mentioned about Friends. Gunther, Estelle, the white dog, Central Perk, ugly naked guy, Ursula. But to answer the question you're all probably thinking, no it is not normal to dance in fountains.