Welcome once again to Hookup Fookups, where we all revel in your most hilarious hookup failure stories. Remember, we’re laughing with you, not at you (but also at you, a little). Email me yours at firstname.lastname@example.org, and follow me on twitter at @betchesheadpro
I had just been recently dumped by this guy who I was super into, and I was extremely hurt and on a mission for a rebound. I went to this bar in NYC that is notorious for guys on the prowl and I pretty much had my pick of the litter. I get white girl wasted and decide to take home the drunkest, but hottest guy at the bar. He was a massive 6”5’ Norwegian guy who had a sexy accent and was professing his love for me. Just what I needed.
No. As soon as we get to my apartment and start hooking up he goes completely cross eyed and starts stripping off all his clothes. He strips down to his underwear, which end up being Batman theme undies with the Bat signal right on his D. As he continues to roll all over my floor saying how much he loves me and wants to marry me, I immediately sober up and I am like WTF this dude needs to chug water and get out of my apartment. As I go into the kitchen to get him a glass of water he proceeds to lock himself in my bathroom. Great.
I wait a few minutes and hear a few bumps and crashes and begin to worry that he passed out with my door locked and I would have to have my doorman come and get him out. I am knocking and demanding he opens the door which he eventually does. When he opens the door I see him in his little Batman undies struggling to put on one of my sweaters as his pants. He has my sweater arm halfway up his leg and he is about to fall over into my bathtub. I grab him, throw him his jeans and help him get dressed, which is not easy for a girl who is a foot shorter then him. I then had to physically push him out the door of my apartment into my hallway and lock my door. I never heard from him again nor do I know if he ever got home. Rebound FAIL.
You should be so lucky to have Thor declare his love for you through what sounds like interpretive dance
Easily my most embarrassing hookup is from my senior year in high school. I had been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks and one day we decide to get lunch together. I (of course) get the most banging sandwich around– one that has bacon, ranch, lettuce, chicken cutlet, etc. We end up in his basement afterwards and I start to give him a bj. I'm getting pretty into it until I suddenly realize that my lunch is starting to come back up. I think I can hold it but apparently not and I puke white shit all over his dick. He was pretty chill about it but asked me to help him clean it up. Mortified, I clean it up for him in the shower and we go back to the couch.
My horror doesn't stop there though. He starts to finger me and just before he's about to go down on me he pulls out his fingers and we both see there is blood on his hand. Just my luck that after I puke on this guy I get my period a day early. Those two events were enough of a buzz kill for both of us and we spent the rest of the afternoon awkwardly watching a movie together on the couch. Normally a terrible hookup like that would warrant for me to never talk to a guy again out of sheer embarrassment but I really liked the kid and he seemed to like me back… We both forgot about it pretty quick and 2 years later we're still together!
I only picked this because I may have had something similar for lunch today. Otherwise a cute, disgusting story
Freshman year I met this senior guy at a rugby party (that fact alone should've been enough to warn me away) that was pretty cute after 4 cups of jungle juice. So I took him back to my place and we start hooking up. I was expecting him to be pretty well endowed based on the fact that he was built like a brick wall and was rocking a full beard (didn't health class say something about testosterone levels? oh well). So the clothes came off and when I looked down what he didn't posses in size he made up for in hair… Jesus fucking christ it was like searching for a peanut in a forest. At this point my buzz was definitely wearing off and I was seriously starting to question my life choices. So doing what any self respecting betch would do I suggested we smoke a bowl then I pretended to have a “omg I'm wayyyyy to high you need to leave i'm sooooo sorry I just like can't right now” freak out. He left, I saved him in my phone as Hairy Gorilla, and dodged him til he graduated.
To this day I still can’t grow a very good beard, but I assure you my penis does not resemble a peanut. The two are unrelated. Pay better attention in health class.
In my first year in college, I went and visited my friend a few times at her school. The first time I visited her, I ended up getting mega blackout and waking up next to some random bro…in my friends bed. Oops. Apparently we had a great time the night before so he got my number and started texting me when I went home.
The next time I visited my friend's school, he convinced me that I should have a threesome with him and his roommate. I had never had one before, so against my better judgement I agreed. Later that night when I was pretty schwacked I went to his room to hook up with him and his friend. At first everything was fine. In the middle of it I see this bright light hovering in the middle of the room. It took me a few second to realize it was the glare from a cell phone. I then notice that several of their friends were just sitting in chairs facing us and had been watching the entire time. Needless to say I got my drunk self out of there as fast as I could.
Threesomes: Always the wrong decision
So I'm out with my friend and her boyfriend's group of guys. One guy in particular seemed great – hot, ex-college athlete, funny. What could really go wrong? So the night is over and we head back to my apartment. We start making out, yadda yadda. clothes come off.
He all of a sudden wanted to stop and cuddle to have a conversation about how he can see us dating and what we both are ready for at this point in our lives. I somehow pull a beauty move and dodge that awkward bullet. Seeing as I just met him, I chalk it up as the alcohol talking, and then we started fooling around again (at which point he began literally taking his thumbs and pushing in my nipples – yes like inverting my nipples. Who does that? What does that even do? Idk).
So now he starts being pretty persistent about wanting to have sex and I kept saying no, no.. and at one point, I'm like okay fine do you have a condom. He then says yes and proceeds to PRETEND TO PUT ONE ON! Like literally does a tearing action, a rolling action, and leans in for the kill. I immediately stop him and think to myself, “Is this kid fucking kidding? Do guys actually ever do this? Do girls ever fall for that? Do you want babies?“
I get up, leave and head to the bathroom to collect myself, go back in and tell him he can leave now and to loose my number. He apologized up and down, said he was kidding, he pulled back and was never gonna actually put it in, and that it was supposed to be funny… Ummm lol. In hindsight I wish I stormed into my room with a large frying pan yelling to GTFO of my apartment, but that's just one of a large strand of regrets that night.
THAT’S GOOD NIPPLE WORK!