Three Detox Dishes that Aren’t Horrendous

Are you having trouble getting back on the “no-carbs-no-problem” bandwagon after all the holiday shenanigans? Do you really wanna lose three pounds? Are sweatpants all that fits you right now? If you answered yes to any of these, first off, ew. Secondly, I am kind and willing to help.

Detox dishes tend to plaster newsfeeds this time of year, and while you totally know that Cathy from high school will probs be a fat fuck forever despite her attempts at eating salad, you don’t have to share her fate. Cue body shaming comments below about how everyone is a beautiful and unique snowflake.

Here are three detox dishes that a) won’t make you want to kill yourself and b) will actually help in the long run.

1. Chia seed “pudding”

Okay, if you haven’t subscribed the all things chia yet, get on it. You can make these super easy “puddings” overnight for a quick grab in the morning. Just combine a cup of almond or soy milk with about 2 tbsps chia seeds, a dash of real maple syrup, and a bit of real vanilla in a bowl. Chia have like, a shit ton of calcium, protein, antioxidants, magnesium, iron, and potassium. Plus, they keep you fairly hydrated when they absorb all that liquid.

2. Honey quinoa salad 

When it’s fucking 4 degrees, you may want to eat something that reminds you of summer. Combine cooked quinoa with 1 tbsp honey, chopped roasted peanuts, juice of an orange, about a tablespoon chopped orange zest, 1/3 cup chopped cilantro, 2 chopped scallions, sea salt, and fresh cracked pepper. This is all to taste, so experiment until you get a result you like.

3. Immunity tea

Sounds weird, but tbh you’ll do anything to start off that bikini body. Combine a heaping tablespoon of chopped fresh ginger root (not too small since you want to be able to remove it later) with 1 cup very hot water and let steep for 5 minutes or so. Squeeze juice from half a lemon into the mixture then add a dash of cayenne pepper. It’s gonna be like, kind of weird/gross, but it’ll curb hunger and help stave off sickness, according to me.

Get moving, fatty.


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