Dear Betch, Was Threatening To Cut My Hookup’s Penis Off A Bad Idea?

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Dear Betches,

I’ve been talking to this guy for almost a year now. We hang out all the time. He takes me out some days and we stay home others. When we’re not with each other we’re usually at least having some sort of communication or like if we have something to do we let each other know like hey can’t talk I’m busy. But a couple of days last week he was being sketchy af. He rarely talked to me. I called him and he didn’t answer one day and I’m not going to be clingy so I let him ignore me. He actually ended up texting me. At 3 in the morning. He was like oh yeah sorry I didn’t answer I was busy or some bullshit like that whatever don’t careee. But that was the message I woke up to. Like I don’t want to see that shit right when I wake up. But I replied and I was just letting him know that I wasn’t going to stress over it. It’s fine. Like you can’t help if you’re busy. Whatever. But the rest of that day. I didn’t get a single message or call. Didn’t see him or anything. The morning after that didn’t hear from him. I actually didn’t hear from him until the next night.

He came clean and told me he went and did the dirty with some other betch. Like excuse my French but holy shit. I mean I get we aren’t actually dating or anything but if I’ve been talking to you for almost a year and we’ve already stated how we both feel about each other, damn right I’m gonna get mad. But the next day I was basically like yeah okay I get where you’re coming from so I’ll just pretend it didn’t happen but do it again and I’ll cut your dick off yanno. But like it’s been a week and I’m still pissed. Like don’t wanna talk to him but totally do. Advice is severely needed. What do I do?


Dear Iggy,

Yeah, the only thing you should cut off is communication with this dude. ZING! I crack myself up. God, I love this job. Anyway, yeah, if you haven’t had it already now is a great opportunity to have the “what are we” talk. It’s obvious you have caught the feels and aren’t cool with this guy fucking other girls (fair), so now’s the time to be upfront and stop pretending to be the Cool Girl who’s totally fine with it. The longer you try to pretend something doesn’t bother you, the more it will eat away at you over time. Just be honest and communicate with him. I know, what are those words?


Dear Betches,

I was seeing a guy who I met through Tinder for a little more than 2 months. I know, I know – nothing good can come from Tinder, and I had to learn the hard way. I’ve been on Tinder on and off before, so I thought I would be able to spot a catfish pretty easily. In an effort to turn a long story short, after seeing this guy who I thought was ‘Eli’ , I discovered he actually turned out to be an ‘Evan’ who was engaged to a girlfriend of 5 years, and still playing the Tinder game. Days before I realized who he actually was, we had decided to become official. Honestly, I had a gut feeling about him after a few dates, but kept seeing him –  even once he started rescheduling plans a lot. Being sick, moving apartments, a grandmother passing away (you don’t want to be the bitch who thinks a guy would lie about his grandmother passing away) – I would always give him the benefit of the doubt. I guess I was scared to address that gut feeling because I didn’t want to find anything, and it had been a long time since I dated someone more than casually. I was in contact with the fiancée, who never explicitly said whether she did or didn’t believe me, but listened to everything I had to say. I’ve distanced myself from her, and haven’t heard from him since I confronted him. I’m wondering how to move forward from this into future relationships – am I going to be stuck with shitty trust issues? I’m normally a pretty confident, boss-ass bitch, but my self-esteem has been shot. I know that I did nothing wrong, it was all him, but I can’t help but feel somewhat guilty. Referencing I Had a Nice Time…, I also did my fair share of emotional masturbating.

Any help would be much appreciated.

Thank you,
The betch who may have broken an engagement

Dear Tinderella,

This is an easy one. Remember your gut, that thing you ignored when red flags started popping up? Don’t do that the next time. Also, it’s 2016 so let’s keep it 100: you should have Facebook stalked this guy way earlier and saved yourself a whole bunch of heartbreak drama. Like, I’m sure this dude wasn’t Mark Zuckerberg; you could’ve found that shit out. I mean, you sign into Tinder with Facebook, FFS. Reverse-Google-Image that shit. Does nobody watch Catfish religiously? This is amateur hour.

Got a fucked-up problem only The Betches can solve? Email us at and we just might answer. For more dating advice, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies.


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