So even though we listed Love Actually as #1 on our list of favorite holiday movies, Jezebel's review of the movie just made me feel dumber than Audrina Patridge while taking the SATs for actually liking it. Below are some of our favorite quotes from Lindy West's review:
This old French woman shows up at Chateau de Firth and is like, “Here, I found you a lady. I'm literally giving you this lady.” Score! Free lady! The lady is named Aurelia and she only speaks Portuguese, and so does her entire family, apparently, even though all of them live in France. It's irritating.
He shows up at Aurelia's front door and starts yelling at her father in shitty Portuguese. He's like, “I am here to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage,” and the dad is like, “Say what!?” because he thinks Colin Firth means his other daughter, who is fat and gross, and that would obviously makes no sense, because women who are slightly larger than some other women deserve to be alone forever unless they're the size-6 kind of fake fat like Natalie. Then the dad offers to pay Colin Firth to take fat daughter off his hands. Colin Firth is like “Ew, no. I only want to purchase/marry HOT women I've never spoken to in my life.”
Hugh Grant plays the role of “horny prime minister,” which raises the question: What percentage of Americans believe that Hugh Grant literally is the prime minister and/or boy king of the UK? I'll bet you the number is not zero, and that is why we should all probably eat poison.
It's Hugh Grant's first day on the job, and he's saying hello to his new staff. One staffer is named Natalie, and as far as I can tell, her job is “woman.” She's also incredibly, disgustingly fat, like a bean bag chair with feet, according to literally everyone else in the movie who apparently all have Natalie Dysmorphic Disorder (the silent killer). Natalie accidentally says some swears in front of the prime minister, and then she makes lemon-face for 45 minutes. Actually, she's probably just thinking about delicious lemons, because NATALIE HUNGRY!!!!!!!
Alan Rickman calls his employee, Laura Linney, into his office to talk about whether or not she “loves” her coworker, Karl. Because apparently she's just constantly sitting around staring at Karl behind a veil of silent darkness because everyone in this movie is a fucking creep.
Despite still never having had a conversation, Laura Linney finally gets Karl back to her house for intercourse. They get in the door go straight to the bed (wouldn't want to wander into the living room and accidentally have a conversation), where we finally find out Laura Linney's TERRIBLE SECRET.
She has a brother.
And he calls sometimes.
When Sam tells Liam Neeson that's why he's depressed, Liam Neeson laughs in his face. Then they come up with 900 different strategies to “make” Joanna fall in love with him. Weirdly, none of the strategies are “Say hi to her.” Also not considered: “You're 11. Calm the fuck down.”
Keira Knightley, wearing an unacceptable hat, goes over to the best man's house to look at his video of her wedding.
Turns out, the wedding video he took is 100% close-ups of her face because the dude is a fucking psychopath.
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