A Comprehensive List Of Things We’re Not Thankful For This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving as we’ve come to know it is a time we gather around a table full of complex carbohydrates and next-day regrets, only to realize how incredibly thankful we are for living 500 miles away from spending time with family while milking a red wine hangover for four days straight.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for. Like my alcohol tolerance and overdraft protection advance, to name a few, but I’m also a devoted realist who understands that Thanksgiving isn’t always about being thankful for the shit that’s been dealt to us. Tell me with a straight face you actually think that the Native Americans were thankful to be sharing the food they just hunted with a bunch of privileged white people in fugly Amish bonnets who would later massacre them. Yeah, just gonna take that as my cue to proceed, so just as society crumbles advances, so does our shit list of things we could prob go without giving thanks to this year, in hopes of them not making a reemergence next year, and I’m just gonna assume the same goes for you.   


-Instagram’s new anti-chronological timeline
-People who clap when the airplane lands
-SugarBearHair ads, but mostly how irresistibly tasty SugarBearHair gummies are
-Taylor Swift’s annoying af music video director
Lena Dunham’s entire existence
-The Electoral College
-Read receipts
The Bachelor producers who cast some washed-up fossil over Peter Kraus
-Pepsi’s commercial advertising team
-Basically every character on Riverdale
-Twitter’s 280-character extension
-On that note, Donald Trump’s fat Twitter fingers
-Facebook stories that are never going to happen
-Whoever approves Katy Perry’s song lyrics
-Apple’s ducking autocorrect
-My mom’s three minute long voicemails
Ariel Winter’s daddy issues
The Kardashians’ birth control method
-The likelihood that I’ll probably be dead before Grey’s Anatomy ends
-Every male in Hollywood except for Tom Hanks
-The idiot who thought America missed American Idol like, 4.3 seconds after the series finale
-The devil human responsible for Cash Me Ousside’s fame
-Food bloggers
The RompHim
-Adele’s indefinite break from music
-Newborn baby Instagram accounts
-The idiot who mixed up Moonlight with La La Land (seriously, you had one fucking job)
-Fidget spinners
The Sexiest Man Alive pickers
Bella Thorne’s attempt at fashion
-The fact that I still don’t hate R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix)”
-And also any of Chris Brown’s music


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