Alabama You’re Doing Amazing, Sweetie
Originally published in The Betches Sup Newsletter on 12/13/2017
If you haven’t heard already, Doug Motherfuckin’ Jones won the Senate seat inAlabama last night, beating out Roy “Alleged Pedophile” Moore. This is the first time in 25 years Alabama has had a Democratic Senator, and it is, as we say in politics, a BFD. Turning Alabama blue was about as unlikely as meeting a fuckboy above 6 feet with good texting etiquette, so let’s break down exactly how this miracle occurred, shall we?
Omfg How Did This Happen? Umm…Jesus? JK. I mean, first of all, it happened because the GOP tried to run an alleged pedophile for the Senate and convince everyone it was totally chill. Secondly, this happened largely due to massive African American voter turnout. Six out of ten black voters came out for Doug Jones, and handed Roy Moore a resounding “nah”. Black voters made up 28% of people who went to the polls in Alabama yesterday, and 98% of voting black women voted for Doug Jones. So like, big thanks to black women and like, low-key shade to white women who voted 63% in favor or Roy Moore. Fellow white girls…wtf? Is this really what we’re doing? Really?
Oh, and like, white men voted 72% in favor of Moore (LOL WOW) but like, we expect that kind of bs from them.
But What Is Roy Moore Saying Tho? Roy Moore has not yet conceded the race and is asking for a recount because lol of course he is. I mean, what did you expect? For him to take “no” for an answer? During a speech last night, Moore claimed the results of the election were too close, and it would be premature to call a winner. Hmm…that’s weird. Roy Moore never worried about calling something prematurely before. Unfortunately for Roy Moore, the election is not close enough to trigger an automatic recount, so this shit is done whether he says so or not. I guess he’ll just have to hop back on his horse Sassy and fuck off to the mall for some retail therapy.
Oh wait…he’s not allowed…
LOL So What Is Donald Saying? I mean, a whole bunch of bullshit, obviously. Last night, an intern the president tweeted his congratulations to Jones, saying a “Congratulations to Doug Jones on a hard fought victory. The write-in votes played a very big factor, but a win is a win. The people of Alabama are great, and the Republicans will have another shot at this seat in a very short period of time. It never ends!” Motion to make “it never ends!” the official motto of the Trump Administration.
Holy Sh*t I’m So Excited What Do We Do Now? Doug Jones’ win (again – TY black voters) is legit an enormous deal. The most important thing now is that we get him seated ASAP so he can vote against the GOP’s shitty tax bill. The next most important thing is that it is now possible for Democrats to take back both the House and the Senate in 2018. So like, let’s not fuck that up. K? Read more.
Low-key wish you could get all your news this way? Guess what betch, you can! Sign up for The Betches Sup newsletter and get all the news you need, explained in a hilarious af way, 5 days a week. You’re literally so welcome.