The Truth About Menstrual Cups

Periods are a fact of life. Like, a really shitty and messy and mostly painful fact of life. Thank god we live in 2016 and not like, 1916 when having a period meant you were wearing a fabric diaper thing for a week every month. These days, betches have options.

Some betches choose to get on some form of dope birth control so they don’t have periods at all. For the rest of us that can’t do that because we’d assume we were pregnant 24/7, we gotta deal with collecting period blood somehow.

Enter: menstrual cups.

menstrual cup

They’re made of medical grade silicone and can be worn for 4 to 12 hours during your period.

You’ve probz been using tampons for like, a while. If so, you can probably use a menstrual cup. It’s designed for women who have already had sex. Sorry virgins, you can go back to pads now. JK. You can probably ask your doctor or something if you can use them too.

They come in usually a small or large size: small for women under 25 who haven’t have kids, large for older ladies or those who have squeezed human life out of their vagina. Also, if you’re younger but have a wide set vagina and a heavy flow you might need to size up. You figure out what’s best for you. Getting one that’s too big might be super uncomfortable; one that’s too small might just fall right out.

wide set vagina

Inserting these little cups is kind of the worst. You have to fold it. Hot dog fold, not hamburger, for those who can’t use logic to realize this wide-ass cup is not just going to fit in your vagina while it’s open. Duh. It kind of just snaps open, back into its normal cup shape, once it’s up there. Magic. You might have to practice a little to make sure it’s secure, not tilted and making kind of a seal so it doesn’t leak.

After that, you can kind of just go about your normal day without worrying about it. In fact, without that string hanging out of your underwear you might actually forget you’re on your period. If you have a heavy period you might have to dump it out more frequently.

Ok, here’s the part that might be harder to stomach. You have to fish it out when you’re ready to dump and rinse it out. Like, literally, reach up into your hoo-haw and find the little tab or ring on the end of it and pull it out. Isn’t being a girl fun?

Carrie blood

Since the blood is just collected and not absorbed like it would be in a tampon, you kind of end up with a Game of Thrones Red Wedding situation no matter what you do. You have to rinse out the cup with water in the sink so it’s not ideal if you’re in a public bathroom situation. The good news is, you can basically wear it all day if you want so you don’t have to change it out midday while you’re at work or whatever.

Once your period is over you’re supposed to boil the thing in water to sanitize. You know how to boil water, right? Since it’s reusable you don’t have to keep throwing a shit-ton of money down the drain each month to buy tampons. Perfect for a betch on a budget, really.

on a budget

But can you have sex with it in? OK, ya big freak (in a good way, of course). Probz wouldn’t suggest getting it in with your run-of-the-mill Diva Cup-type product. Softcups, though, are sort of similar in that they collect blood instead of absorbing it, yet, you have to like, clip them around your cervix. That sounds intimidating to me but if you’re a Nuvaring user, maybe it’d be easy. IDK. Anyway, Softcups advertise themselves as a way to have mess-free period sex. So, if you trust that advertising, you can try it.

Sure, there are ups and downs to any choice you make when trying not to bleed buckets out of your Lululemons, but a menstrual cup might work for you if you’re DTF—down to find out, that is. 


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