‘Real Housewives Of New Jersey’ Recap: BRB Drowning In My And Siggy’s Tears

Alright, Bravo betches. Here we are. The RHONJ moment we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the season finale so we can stop pretending this season has been anything but fucking garbage. Joe is going to prison. I’m probably going to cry at least three times mainly because Milania and Joe are adorable in a mean, bull-in-a-china-shop kinda way, and I don’t wanna see my girl sad. But what can ya do?

Before we get started, can we just talk about the fact that I’m still not over the church scene from last week? Where they like, zoomed in on statues of Jesus while Tre talked about the struggles of prison life. I mean, that was over the top even for Bravo—a channel whose whole purpose is to go over the top.

Okay sorry. Just had to point that out. We start with the Giudices going to a local bakery for a cupcake baking lesson, which, if you’ve never gone to federal prison before, is a standard activity in the weeks leading up to your official lockup. Fucking duh. I hope these kids keep it in the family biz of book writing and fraud because these cupcakes look like shit.

Oh. Here comes the first crying sesh. Milania makes her dad a birthday cupcake because he’s going to be away during his birthday. How sweet. Then she smashes it on his face. Atta girl. Am I the only one picking up on Gia kind of being an asshole about her dad literally being someone’s bitch for four years? She’s like “k cool please stop touching me.” Look, I think Joe Giudice is as big a douche as anyone but like, that’s your dad. Be nice for five seconds. I hate teenagers.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Ashlee are having a convo about the baby, and Ashlee has decided she wants to go with a natural child birth. Ugh what an idiot. I’m sure that’s gonna piss some people off because it’s a personal choice and whatnot. But if I’m gonna push a watermelon out of my vagina you can bet your ass I’m gonna be higher than a basic boho betch at Coachella, okay? Jacqueline is with me on this and she’s done it so I rest my case.

Ashlee drops the news that Melissa texted her a congrats about the baby. They’re acting like it was her being the bigger person, but I’ve watched this show before, so I’m pretty sure she’s just being passive aggressive af. We get a little montage of how terrible Ashlee used to be and how far she’s come. Yay Ashlee! You did it.

Over at Siggy’s, her kids are being assholes. Same shit, different day. The whole family is over and Sigs starts crying about how her kids don’t want to hang out with her. Shocker. But then PLOT TWIST! Siggy’s mom starts crying because Sigs doesn’t hang out with her. The apple doesn’t fall far from the fucking tree. It appears tears and neediness are transferable traits.

In the Teresa hater club, Rosie, Kathy and Jacqueline are out on a triple date with their significant others. Um, Rosie’s girlfriend is actually really hot. I wasn’t expecting that at all. You go, Glen Coco! I know I’m about to blow all of y’all’s minds right now, but Chris is still being the perfect man talking about sticking by his wife no matter what. Even if it means not going to his bff’s prison party.

It’s time for Joe’s “going away” party. Lol. Like he’s going abroad for a semester or something. Apparently this shit is taking place at a restaurant, which is weird. Wouldn’t you wanna keep this private like at your house or something? No? Okay. Do you. There are a bunch of kids there, and there’s a bull to ride. And everyone is just having a jolly time celebrating going to jail for a long time. I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it again, but these people are on a whole ‘nother fucking planet.

The next day, Romy and Michele Siggy and Dolores are at a really poorly decorated restaurant. I’ll get used to the tackiness of this show eventually, but not today. They talk about Siggy and her fam and their cry fest. We also learn that Siggy’s daughter thinks she’s marrying Jason Derulo. Aim higher, honey. Like Drake or or Chris Hemsworth or somebody. Not some C-list singer that every time he says his name I wanna kill myself.

Melissa is at Envy doing work things and we learn that her lowlife manager hates selfies. Who tf hired this guy? He has this genius plan of not posting on social media to gain online sales. Just take what the Kardashians did to become the most famous people on the planet doing absolutely nothing except posting selfies and do the exact opposite. Brilliant. Melissa is like “yeah we’re not doing that. We’re so posting selfies.” You know you’re in trouble when Melissa is the smartest person in the room.

Siggy and her emotional family go to a Holocaust memorial to learn more about their heritage. Siggy is hoping this will be the trick to making her kids suck less. And it actually kinda works. Sigs’ dad talks about his experience in the Holocaust and I’m crying again. Damn, this shit is so heavy. Anyway, the asshole kids realize their life is pretty legit and they need to be more grateful for their mom. Fucking finally.

It’s the day before Joe goes away and he and Tre are reminiscing on the past, before jail and shit got in the way. Teresa is giving him tips on life in the slammer. It’s actually sorta sweet I guess. He’s crying and I’m crying. This is just too much.

Oh shit here we go. It’s officially time for him to go to prison. Quick question. Why are there a million fucking people at their house when he’s leaving? Like, chill. Let him be with his wife and kids for a sec. They show Joe and Tre hug goodbye and Milania is crying in the window. Am I the only one that finds this incredibly sad? Holy shit I need to toughen up. I’m worse than Siggy.

A few hours later, Melissa and Joe Gorga are putting together a trampoline. This seems like it’s a terrible idea. They decide this is a good time to have a deep conversation about how they’re in a better place with Teresa now and how happy they are. Nothing like a prison sentence to bring folks together, nahmean?

Siggy and Dolores go over to Jacqueline’s to talk about everything. Drink every time I say that in one of these recaps. I mean, jeez. They do this while putting diapers on baby dolls in honor of Ashlee except Ashlee isn’t even there. I don’t get it, but fine.

Teresa hops on the phone with Joe Gorga and Melissa. She pretty much just tells them that there were a lot of tears and that his prison doesn’t look all that bad. The fact that you know what a good prison is in comparison to a bad one is problematic in and of itself. Please note that during this entire convo, Teresa is wearing cheetah PJs.

All the girls are in bed with Teresa and say really sweet, sad prayers for their dad. Teresa prays that the prison reform act goes through. I love a good prayer with a political agenda. And that’s a wrap for this week. Prayers up for prison reform, y’all. 


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