Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: These Hoes Ain’t Loyal

Sup, Bravo fans? Tbh, idk remember what happened last week. I guess I celebrated Columbus Day and the world’s most uncomfortable debate a little too hard. So I’m just gonna dive into this week and remember as I go, deal?

Oh yeah. All the Vermont shit. TG for these 30 second recaps at the beginning of every episode.  This week starts with Dolores and Siggy hanging out. Obvi. They’re like a Jersey, brunette, less funny version of Romy and Michele. Looks like D got her new kitchen. Mazel tov! Siggy brings up Vermont and you can see in Dolores’ eyes that she’s wondering where tf her Valium is rn. Siggy has come up with this idea that Jacqueline is mad at her because she didn’t stick up for her in Vermont. Like she’s real fucking pissed and she has no clue if Jacqueline is actually upset. She’s a textbook over analyzer. CHILL. They keep reviewing everything that happened in Vermont and I’m so bored that I get excited when we move on to Melissa’s boutique. That’s really saying something.

Melissa’s business partner, Jackie, dyed her hair a weird color again and internet sales are down. It’s a bad day at Envy. I’m honestly in shock that anyone buys anything at this store, tbh. They’re talking about the fashion show and Jackie is like “oh btw I’m gonna be on vacay in the Bahamas so I won’t be here sorry not sorry.” Wow, the women of Jersey really aren’t very business savvy. I feel like Snooki and J-Woww could operate shit better than this store and D’s sketchy-ass gym.

Melissa takes this opportunity to talk to her manager about him maybe/maybe not getting Teresa in extra legal trouble. Lol, Jersey probs. During the whole confrontation, he’s making bizarre facial expressions. Like, you should have practiced that in the mirror before the camera crew arrived. Just a word of advice. He says he’s innocent. Melissa buys it. Another anticlimactic moment.

Romy and Michele come over to Jacqueline’s so Sigs can confront her about their imaginary problem. They sit down and Sigs is the open book that she is. I mean, at least she’s not fake, right? *Looks at Melissa*

Jacqueline is just like “nope not mad at all” and everything is all good again. Damn, these people are levelheaded. Chris chimes in and gives a perfect metaphor about a dog biting you after being abused. I think Jacqueline is the dog in this situation and Teresa and Melissa are the abusers? Idk.

Siggy announces that she’s not going to Melissa’s fashion show because she’s a ride or die betch, but maybe she just doesn’t wanna go to some wack fashion show and this is a way out? I see you, Sigs. But either way I think you’re cool af.

Joe Gorga goes over to Teresa’s house for lunch and he brought her a sandwich. Uh oh, Joe. A male bringing a female food?!?! Your dick might fall off, you girly man. We talk about everyone’s favorite subject. No not, the Jacqueline-Teresa feud. No, not yoga. Prison. Joe says he was pissed at Joe Giudice for getting his sister indicted on like, a million counts of federal charges. Yah, I’d say that’ll do it. I stopped paying attention after that because I can’t care about incarceration anymore. Like I physically can’t do it.

Siggy is meeting Melissa at a coffee shop to break the news that she’s not going to the Envy fashion show because she’s #TeamJacqueline. Please note: Siggy pays for a $3 cup of coffee with a $100 bill. TELL ME THESE PEOPLE AREN’T IN THE MOB.

Anyway, Melissa gets there and Siggy wastes no time being like “ya know when Jacqueline said I thought you were phony? Well yah, she ain’t lying. Oh and I’m not going to your fashion show.” So is anyone going? Melissa is peeved because she’s on Jacqueline’s side. Melissa calls Siggy weak and now I’m just pissed off. Sigs being a good friend doesn’t make her weak. Ugh. These hoes ain’t loyal. Melissa starts talking about stripper-gate again and how Jacqueline might have had something to do with it. I still don’t know wtf stripper-gate is.

Dolores goes Easter shopping with her mom, and I take away two things off the bat. 1) Is Easter shopping a thing? 2) Is Dolores adopted? D is really struggling with being independent and not just mooching off her ex Frank. I’m pretty sure they say “independent” 1000 times. I-N-D-E-P-E-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means? Also, back to her mom, she looks a lot like Ina Garten. Fuck, I love that woman.

It’s time for the Posche fashion show, which is not to be confused with the Envy fashion show. This one’s Kim D.’s store. Dolores and Jacqueline are the only wives that go. Bummer. I’m pretty sure this was the event where Ashlee pulled Danielle’s hair that one time. God, I miss vintage RHONJ. Anyway, Jacqueline and D are hanging out with Kim, and surprise surprise. She’s talking shit. God love her. She pretty much says what we already knew: Joe Giudice cheated on Teresa when she was in the slammer. Fucking duh. Then the fashion show starts and damn this shit is terrible.

Me: I love all these clothes. Where did you get them?

Kim D.: My store, Posche.

Me: Those are the ugliest effing clothes I’ve ever seen.

Melissa, Teresa, Siggy and Dolores all go to lunch together. Immediately, Sigs is like “jk I’m coming to your fashion show.” Wtf? I just got whiplash. What happened to the loyalty? Teresa is talking mad shit about Jacqueline, and Dolores, being the cool girl that she is, tell her to STFU. Let me tell y’all something. Tre is scared of D, so you know she must be a closet bscb. The convo turns to prison and Joe “going away” and like I said earlier, I’m done with this.

Chris is launching his popcorn line and I’m trying really hard not to make fun of it because I love him. All the Teresa haters are out in full force. Dolores decides she’s having a ladies’ night and Kathy and Teresa are both invited. Bring on the fighting! That’s what we watch this shit for

Chris makes a speech about their precious autistic son and now I’m crying. We made it a few weeks without any tears, and now we’re back. Chris also announces that Ashlee and Pete (I think?) are having a baby. Well that was fast. For the record, my Southern Baptist mother would not scream with excitement at a grand baby if I wasn’t married yet. Jacqueline’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.

Dolores decides to pull Chris aside and tell him not to go to Joe Giudice’s “going away” party because Jacqueline isn’t going and you stay by your wife no matter what. Loyalty is the name of the game this week, y’all. To people normally throw going to prison parties? Is that like, a normal celebration?

We come back from commercial and Teresa and Dolores are at mass to have a quick powwow. Is this a Jersey thing? They’re talking about heavy prison shit. Idk why I’m surprised by this at this point. That’s all this show is this season, but this scene has prayers and super dramatic music. And then it’s over. On the world’s most depressing note. Next week, Joe Giudice goes to prison. Guess I’m going to have to talk about it whether I want to or not.


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