For many betches, once a month the lower half of your body flips the fuck out and attacks the rest of you. This can last from four days to a week and varies from betch to betch, but the mentality stays the same.
Also, I will take this time to remind you that I’m not a doctor but you can totally skip your period if you just keep taking your active pills.
DAY 1: FOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!
Did I gain ten pounds? Why don’t any of my clothes fit? I guess I’m fat now. This is me. I’m Fat Me now. Well, I guess I might as well eat my weight in Chinese food. Being Fat Me isn’t so bad, actually.
DAY 2: WHY???????
Honestly I can’t deal with any of this right now. Am I the only woman that this happens to? I must be the only woman that this happens to. Like I get that that is not scientifically true but it feels true to me right now. I have the worst period. I absolutely must have the worst period that any woman has ever had on the face of the earth.
DAY 3: FUCK THIS!!!!
You know what, fuck this. I don’t need my uterus. What the fuck has my uterus even done for me lately? Its just for getting pregnant and I don’t even want to be pregnant. By the time I want to be pregnant science will be growing babies in petri dishes and I won’t even need this fucking thing. Can I just get rid of it now? Do I know any doctors? Lemme see if I can text one about having this thing removed…
DAYS 4-7: PLEASE GOD SAVE ME!!!
When this horrible curse is over, I’m going to change my life. I’m going to Soul Cycle every day. I’m going to answer all my emails and I’ll call my mom and I’ll do a juice cleanse just please, God, end this. I can’t bleed anymore. How much blood do I even have? I’m running out of black pants. Dear Lord please end this period or send me some new black pants. I actually saw some on NastyGal that I’d looooooveeeee…