This week, Apple hosted their big annual event to talk about how amazing they are and casually make a huge deal out of announcing a few products that everyone already knew about. Apple used to be super good at keeping their new stuff secret, but in the past few years basically the entire internet has leaked, so now the Apple events are a little less spectacular. Maybe they need to hire Beyoncé’s publicists to keep their shit under wraps. Nonetheless, the iPhone 7 is finally here.
If you’ve been living under a rock for the past six months, brace yourself: the headphone jack is really, actually gone. This is definitely annoying, but it’s not like you can’t listen to music on the treadmill anymore. Apple will be including an adapter for the charging port with the new phones, and the whole idea is that people will start using wireless headphones more often. Apple introduced some new wireless headphones, which cost the same as approximately 17 Uber rides to the Apple store to complain about losing your wireless headphones ($159).
Apple also spent like 10 minutes talking about the new color, which they creatively call “jet black.” Jet black is shiny, but there’s also another less shiny version just called “black,” so someone at the Apple headquarters clearly ran out of time to come up with color names. And don’t worry, Betches, it still comes in rose gold.
There was also like a 30 minute segment about how amazing the new camera is, which means your drunk selfies will still look like absolute shit. It’s awesome that professional photographers think the new iPhone is just as good as their $3000 Canon, but that doesn’t fucking happen for normal people. Don’t delete your editing apps, ladies. The 7 Plus also has a second camera on the back, which is supposed to make zoom look way better. So basically your phone won’t fit in your hand/purse, but you’ll be able to take super sharp photos of people’s fugly outfits from across the grocery store.
This brings us to what is the least exciting but probably most important new feature: It’s water resistant. You’ll never have to fear dropping your phone in the toilet, except like germs, but that’s whatever. Gone are the days of soaking your poor iPhone in a bag of white rice, just so you can rescue your photos and put them on the new one your dad is buying for you.
So should you get the new iPhone? If you have an upgrade coming, it’s definitely worth the extra few bucks a month or however phone plans work, but you probably don’t need to wait in line at the Apple store on day one. Wait who are we kidding, there’s literally nothing worth waiting in line at the fucking mall for. We have dignity. So like get it if you want, but your 6S can probably hang on until the screen cracks.