Yes, it’s that time of year. While betches can be described as many things, altruistic typically isn’t one of them. But on the other hand, every betch enjoys doing something that makes her appear thoughtful and generous, and what better way to do that than keeping the work to a minimum by firing up your macbook and hoping you can remember the CID code on the back of your dad’s Amex? Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, or are a time traveling hipster from the 1990’s who ironically celebrates Kwanzaa, it’s time to buy some presents for the bros in your life. To make things even easier for you, I’ve put together a little list. As usual, you’re welcome (insert lame “ho ho ho” joke here).
[Note from the Head Betches: you should never actually buy a gift for a guy you're not actually dating unless he gets you something amazing or like, it's an ironic joke.]
For your #18 fuck buddy:
– Mail him a copy of a clean bill of health from your gyno. This is probably the only instance when someone is glad to know you haven’t given them a gift that keeps on giving.
– A box of condoms. Because if he’s your fuck buddy, he’s probably someone else’s too. Or like, married.
For your #89 Back Burner Bros:
– A gift card to Chili's. Back Burner Bros are basically the Chili's of the bro world: Ubiquitous, no one’s first choice, and incredibly pedestrian.
– Some Johnson’s No More Tears Baby Shampoo. Because for fuck’s sake already, I just don’t like you in that way, alright?!?
– A fleshlight (link probably NSFW, unless you work somewhere awesome). Basically, it’s a male masturbation aid, and BBB’s are usually some lonely bastards.
For the Guy you’re Dating but not, Like, Dating or Whatever
– A magazine subscription. Sounds lame, but seriously, every guy likes magazines. Sure we have iPhones, but there’s something satisfying about reading an actual paper magazine when we’re dropping a deuce. Plus, his bros/roommates can enjoy it too, and you do want to endear yourself to them, don’t you? Playboy, Maxim, Golf Digest, Sports Illustrated, and ESPN are all solid, safe choices. Also, it’s cheap as shit, and if he ever just like stops texting you and then you see him with some fugly slut at a party, at least you know he has to think of you every time he gets a new issue. And also when he’s pooping. Win-win?
– A ball cap/t-shirt from his favorite sports team. Is your bro the kind of guy who wears ball caps or t-shirts? No? Then congratulations, you’re somehow fucking a gay bro. Jerseys are expensive as shit and not something he’d throw on just to run to the store. Hats and t-shirts, on the other hand, are cheap, disposable, but something he has no problem slipping into often. Or in other words, exactly how he thinks of you. Just kidding! (probably)
– A tab at his favorite bar. People don’t really do this anymore, so it would actually make you look pretty thoughtful. If you’re trying to wrangle this bro into more serious relationship territory, you want to make him feel good. Earth to fucking Matilda, nothing makes bros feel good quite like drinking. Like the rest of the gifts it’s cheap and non-committal so you don’t come off as some kind of clingy psycho. Plus, if he invites you out you can drink on it too, which is a nice bonus.
For Your Serious Boyfriend
– The Sperry Shearling-Lined Boat Shoe. Look, I don’t want to live in a world where bros can’t wear boat shoes year round. If that ever happens, we know the Communists have finally won. These things just exude #broswag. Plus, I own a pair, so if he wears them during sex you can imagine he’s me. Win-win (-win?)
– An iPad Mini. The iPad is nice and all, but if I have a macbook and an iPhone, what exactly do I need with one? Carrying a Kindle or Nook is a little, I don’t know, froofy for a real bro, but we still like to read. The iPad Mini is perfect. It tells the world “Yeah, I like to read, but I like to do other stuff that I’m sure this thing is totally capable of, too.” Besides, the Head Betches got me one for Christmas, and if it’s good enough for me, it’s good enough for your fucking boyfriend.
– A topcoat. This is really more for older pros than your run of the mill bro, but getting your pro one of these show you really know what the fuck you’re doing. Trust me, if your boyfriend is the type to wear a suit to work every day, he absolutely needs one of these, and I guarantee he hasn’t thought of it. Gone are the days of him looking like a jackass trying to stuff a suit jacket under his peacoat. Is this one too expensive? Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware you were trying to do your holiday shopping with food stamps.
– Dylan Ribkoff underwear. Sure some may be a little flamboyant but if your bro has a sick body he can probably pull them off. Bros and pros think they're soft as fuck and it's pretty guaranteed he'll like them.
For the Guy You’re Delusionally Dating
– Just screenshot and email him that wedding Pinterest you’ve been working on (I know you have one). That’s totally the push he needs to come around, I promise.
For Your Husband
– A classic BJ, just so he’ll stop being all like “come on honey, you never do that anymore!” Or, alternatively…
– A noose, razor blades, or an apartment on a really high floor of your building. Any of those things, really.
For Your Single Self
– Sure, maybe you’re not looking for a boyfriend right now, but unless you want to turn into a dried up old spinster it should probably happen eventually. Why not start with some BSCB shit? Fun fact, wearing any of that shit will magically turn you into that model they used, in which case I promise every guy will want to fuck you. Or at least I will. [Note to the Head Betches – where are we at with getting me that girl’s number? Note from the Head Betches: Nowhere.]
– Once you look sufficiently betchy, bone up on your actual inner betchiness by pre-ordering a copy of Nice is Just a Place in France: How to Win at Basically Everything. Yeah yeah, it won’t ship until later, but do you want to risk it selling out before you get one? I don’t think you do. [Note from the Head Betches: we swear we didn't ask him to write this but proceed]