The Great Gatsby: Betches Love This Movie

We saw The Great Gatsby last night and before anyone gives us shit for “spoiling it”, we invite you to go back to 11th grade to read the Sparknotes. Can't repeat the past? Why of course you can old sport. Whatever, everyone in the English speaking world knows the plot, so it should come as no visual shock when Leo dies underwater in the end. Plus we've all seen Titanic.

This movie was obviously super betchy, being about huge parties full of rich people, scandy love triangles, and the consequences of #130 driving like a fucking idiot. We didn't see it in 3D so we can't speak to the experience of watching massive amounts of glitter fly across the screen while wearing extremely annoying glasses, but we can speak to the regular experience of watching Gatsby's sick parties. We also can't believe he had Jay-Z on his playlists, so progressive for the 20s. It was enough to keep our ADD in check.

Obviously Leo was the best part of the movie. He's still adorable as fuck despite Jay Gatsby being kind of a stage-5 delusional dater, always waiting around for Daisy to call or fold his shirts or whatever. His parties looked extremely fun…probably a lot to clean up in the morning…and all of it could've been avoided had he not been a little bit crazy and obsessed with getting Daisy to come over. Seriously though, respect to him because this bro had to withstand more shit talking than Regina George. Also Jay, Damien called, he wants his pink suit back.

Aside from Leo, the other characters were just like whatever. Carey Mulligan looked pretty despite her hair being styled into a flapper lesbian bob. There was another skinny extremely tall bitch with a brunette lesbian bob who had a funny line about large parties being “so intimate.” She gets it. Tom Buchanan played like a fatter Cal Hockley. Isla Fisher was there, and then she wasn't. Nothing to say except she was really good at dying.

The worst part of this movie was the fact that Tobey Maguire was in it, and somehow managed to be even more annoying than like, Tobey Maguire. Like, where are his lips? Maybe only visible in 3D. Either way I kept yearning for Ewan McGregor and his cheek mole from Moulin Rouge. Tobey can only be described as a dweeb, and also he was always creeping up on everyone like, surprise, I know you guys are making out but here I am, behind this bush!

Selfie time!

So betches, forget about the Rotten Tomatoes rating and the four star critics. If you liked Moulin Rouge you will love this movie, minus the live singing, plus a sick soundtrack. (LOL, Les Mis.) It's called the 'Great' Gatsby for a reason.


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