The greatest people you will ever meet all drink with straws. Regina George drinks cranberry juice cocktail with a straw. Nancy Botwin sells weed while drinking her iced coffee with a straw. Girls who don’t eat anything drink their Diet Coke with straws. If you aren’t drinking with a straw, you can’t
sit sip with us.
Why? Because no one wants to see up your nose as you sling back your head trying to get to the last drop of beverage. Meanwhile, you're pouring melting ice and watered down coffee all over your man tits or your fake McQueen scarf. Like OMG skulls are chic and I’m gay so I love fashion and dead celebrities!
Unlike a white iPhone, straw use isn't a helpful way to tell the gays from the straights. If you see a lone frat bro drinking his cups from beer pong with a straw, he’s not gay: he’s just incredibly incredibly fucked up. Likewise, if you see a guy tip back a frozen pina colada to the face, he’s not straight: he’s just absolutely fucking disgusting. This isn’t a race to see who can get a brain freeze AND gain 40 pounds on vacation. It’s a fucking cocktail. Call me when you get the umbrella toothpick dislodged from your esophagus. Jk, don’t.
Straws are absolutely essential. How are you supposed to text your dealer and drink Tab at the same time? Straws. Fucking duh.
I mean maybe we’ve been studying too much Freud, but which came first: drinking with straws or sucking dick? Here's a guide to straws and the boys that suck them:
A green straw: Starbucks whore. Clearly an iced coffee addict and wanting to be seen in public wearing Tom Ford shades reading the latest New York Magazine. However, there is one caveat to the green straw. If it comes with a domed lid instead of a flat lid this is a serious indicator that he is drinking frapps or lattes with whipped cream and is most definitely secretly gayfat. It’s like that thing when gays wear oversized sweaters and have skinny or muscular legs but then they take off their shirt and there’s a collective disappointed sigh. They’re not like obese, but it’s just kind of sad.
A blue straw: The blue straw is often used in juices or smoothies by the chicest and the skinniest of the gays. However it can also be used in low-grade iced coffee bought at a deli or bodega drowned with full-fat milk and like 8 packets of sugar. Know the difference and know it well.
A clear or white straw: This straw is for the everygay. A very casual accessory for any Diet Coke or coconut water.
A white straw with red stripes: This is the lowest of the low. They’re almost always used like in root beer floats or in Johnny Rockets milkshakes. Red stripe = red flag = love handles.
A thin black straw: Always a must for a tall vodka soda. Or as we like to call it, vodka.
A straw with loops or animal prints: Go fuck yourself.
Finally, if you're going to learn one thing from this post it's that people are looking at you while you're drinking out of a straw. Ghandi once said, anything you do to draw attention to your mouth is good. That said, please do it elegantly, there's nothing chic about chewing down your plastic pipe like its a fucking rib eye. Boys want to look at you and think of sex, not their dick as a chew toy.