Let’s be real, reading the actual articles in Vogue/Elle/Vanity Fair/etc is boring as shit. Like, annotating some article that is so wordy that I need a highlighter and Cliff’s Notes to get through it is less amusing than watching fucking paint dry. Obviously, the real fun and games are in the advertisements at the beginning of a glossy. Complain all you want about the 100+ pages of adverts in the September issue of Vogue, but you know that all the fun shit-talking—when communally reading a magazine with your besties—comes from picking apart some of the fashion ad campaigns. The brouhaha of Elle or Dakota Fanning posing as Marc Jacobs’s baby prostitutes? A gap-toothed model wrestling with an anteater while wearing her Miu Miu cutout bikini? Fucking classic.
Marc Jacobs: There are a few things in life that are certain: death, taxes, and Marc Jacob’s crusade to make his models and clothing look as awkward and fuggo as possible. In his Spring 2012 ad campaign, Marky makes this poor asian model look like she is going into serious cray mode. Loving how in this one she’s like mid-yoga pose in her Chola hair tie and leather. In another one, she looks like a Thai hooker casually walking like an Egyptian in a construction zone.
Boy. By Band of Outsiders: In the vein of Marc Jacobs’s Polaroid-y hipster ads, Band of Outsiders make us really fucking want to wear their clothes by posing Michelle Williams in a series of awky office photos. It’s almost like the Instagram feed of some girl obsessed with Mad Men. Like in one, she is posted up in the copy room or some shit in her tweed coat, and in another she’s poring over books in a library. Riveting.
Lanvin Spring 2012: Snakes on a Plane of Really Pretty & Skinny People. Lanvin thought it would be cute to throw some serpents into its shots. The end result is kind of cool: like the snakes are just casually draped wherever they fucking please. But then again it’s really distracting. Like this isn’t some challenge on Top Model where Tyra needs to throw in tarantulas and pirahnas for extra pizazz.
McQ Spring 2012: Every time I see this one, I literally think I am having hallucinations. What the fuck is going on here? Like, I guess we are getting a vouyeristic view of some couple’s role-playing? If you get your jollies coordinating your Michael Myers mask with your accordion pleat skirt that’s fine and dandy, but how does this make me want to go out and shell out $750+? Seriously disturbing shit.
Alexander McQueen: Charlize Theron takes a break from being covered in donut glaze/semen for Snow White and makes her debut in Alexander McQueen’s ad campaigns. Oh, wait.
Missoni: Awkward family photos with the Missonis. It’s like everyone got too drunk off of white wine spritzers and staged a photo shoot on the party patio at Olive Garden.
Givency: Loving the brunette Bieber doppelgänger casually emerging from the RV in his birds of paradise sweater and skirt set.
Dolce & Gabbana: Oh, OK here we go with the explanation behind the fucking Veggie Tales designs. Apparently your level of fierceness and Italian mama swag is directly proportional to how many salad bar ingredients you have on your dress.