The Billboard Awards Fashion Breakdown

The Billboard Music Award aired last night in Nevada and two types of people showed up: people who could benefit from some leniency in Vegas due to their underage status and sad, desperate people who spent all of the day after Googling themselves to see if anything turned up. (Hi, Jordin Sparks, Kelly Rowland, and Natasha Bedingfield, thanks for reading).

Chrissy Teigen

Zooey Deschanel had a field day dressing Chrissy Tiegen in her trademark bangs and just this one itsy-bitsy, cutie patootie craft project she’s been working on.

Kelly Rowland

I’m scared to say anything negative because she is on the Shelly Obama “Let’s Move” plan with those arms. She must be next in line to beat the shit out of Jay-Z in an elevator. Straight to my Destiny Child’s shrine to repent with 3 Bootyliscious booty pops, 5 Jumpin’ Jumpins’, and 1 Cater 2 U lap dance for disparaging a non-Michelle.

Amber Rose

Amber Rose just voluntarily had her eyes removed in pending doom of the Kim/Kanye festivities. She is also in a state of mourning because it could have been her making everyone uncomfortable on that Bound bike.


Dress sponsored by X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Iggy Azalea

Damn you, Iggy. I refuse to acknowledge the atrocity of your red carpet choices because you yourself are so chic. Was it hard? When you fell…off that horse at your day shift at Medieval Times? 


Damn, Ke$ha, for a girl who spells her name with a dollar sign, you are looking pretty classy. I’m not mad at this look but I am scared. Like what happened to Ke$ha? Is her publicist plotting with Nicki Minaj?

Nicki Minaj

Wow, so a lobotomy really does work. She ditched the the Marge Simpson hair and the Hello Kitty vomit dress. Instead, we see a semi-chic woman, keeping it simple.

J Lo

You know I luh u mami, but this look doesn’t scream icon. It screams stage production of Little Red Riding Hood, Over-40 edition.

Kylie Jenner

All those early scenes of KUWTK when Brody would degrade Kendall and Kylie to pole dance truly did pull off. Well done Brody, because Kylie sure can pull off slutty chic.

Kendall Jenner

We have ourselves to blame for creating “the worst reader.” I just think back to those episodes when she wanted to drop out of high school and it all makes sense now; she doesn’t know how to read. This look is so good, who cares about one’s ability to read?

Jordin Sparks

Allan Iverson on top, one of the world’s most annoying people on bottom (Was that presented at the Billboard Music Awards? I would literally never watch it). This dress is nothing, and the shoes are even plainer, but the hair…the WNBA is never chic.

Haley Dunphy

This is more meeting your BF’s parents or hanging with gma and gpa chic. I wouldn’t wear this around anyone closer to birth than the grave.

Carrie Underwood

Yet another win for Jesus who steered Underwood into this poppin’ dress. Everything is fine but for the awful mustard yellow, but the cut and design are divine.

Natasha Bedingfield

How did you get in here?


A unique way to scare off your childhood fans: dress as the villain from one of their favorite movie franchises.

Michael Jackson

What’s chicer than being so chic that people spent literally millions of dollars to bring you back from the dead and dress you in a sequined bedazzled jacket? Motherfuckin’ nothing. Nothing is chicer than that.


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