The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 5

Last night both the housewives of Beverly Hills and the colonics lodged up their respective assholes finally loosened up and they had a little fun. I mean, they all went to Ojai to celebrate Kim's sobriety and all proceeded to get fucking wasted. That's definitely what we call fun. For those of you who watch these shows for producer-driven drama you must have felt gypped because literally nothing happened, except for that one conversation about Brandi telling Mandrienne to shut the fuck up was repeated 54 times. That aside, last night's ep was pretty fucking funny so let's all take a moment to thank the one thing responsible for entertaining us: alcohol.

Kim: Life is a journey and I keep finding myself realizing that rehab was a huge mistake.” -2

-2: It's official. You're like, really weird.

Brandi: Money doesn't give you class, shut the fuck up.” +13

-2: Glad we got a head count of vaginal and C-section births. Truly, it was a lovely visual. There's def nothing I want to picture more than a 4-pound slimy fetus emerging from between Adrienne's legs. Thx.

+15: For this list of quotes because they're all about Adrienne and simply, amazing:

On Adrienne's book deal: “Adrienne isn't super smart, is it going to be a children's book?”

On something we don't remember but it was funny: “Guess what, I'm not your puppet, bitch.”

To Adrienne convincing her to arm wrestle: “You definitely want to arm wrestle, you're a guy!”

On Adrienne in general: “Adrienne doesn't understand the concept of a lot of things.”

On Adrienne and somersaulting: “I was surprised to see Adrienne take her weave out and do some work.”

Lisa: “Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also about getting wasted on rose at Bravo's staged dinner parties.” +6

+3: Lisa: apologize… Brandi: No! I'm not sorry…. Lisa: Well then fake it I'm sure you've done that before.

+1: You're seriously so wise, “Saying shut the fuck up is a gift to these women.” You're like the yoda of Beverly Hills.

+2: We would give you negative points for wearing those sneakers with that pajama sundress but it was just too funny. It's like Lisa, little Vanderpump on the Praire.

Kyle: “I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, it's my town, and I think it's time for me to get a new opening line because it's stupid as fuck.” +1

+2: For talking shit about Brandi, the person who was defending your sister, instead of actually going to see if your hysterically crying sister was ok.

+1: To Lisa in her badminton-chic gettup: “You look like a bee keeper.”

-2: Your horrible Chanel iPhone case was horribly horrible and made my eyes bleed and my head hurt I would hit that phone out of your hand if I could but I can't so I'm over it.

Taylor: “I fought too hard for this zip code to let Brandi one-up me with her little “divorce.” Hello, suicide, ever heard of it?” -5

+1: “They don't call me Arm-Strong for nothing.”

-4: So like your ass was unblurred, what was that about?

+1: If Taylor is so good at arm wrestling, how could Russell beat the shit out of her so easily? You were all thinking it.

-1: For fighting Brandi about your respective book deals, it was like an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm:

Brandi: I'm a survivor.
Taylor: No I'm a survivor!
Yolanda: Somebody get a sponge.

Adrienne: “Know your friends, and realize that it's not just your enemies that say you look like a man.” -8

-3: “I'm a dude.” Okay she didn't say this, but we're all wishing she would.

-1: For the way you arm wrestle – your hand was like a dead fish. Ugh I can't watch this anymore it's like a Battle of the Botox…and testosterone.

-4: For the way she kept repeating phrases like, “very inappropriate very inappropriate” “I didn't mean it like that I didn't mean it like that” …you'd think she was a furby. You actually look like a furby. And like a furby, I will hit you with my brother's baseball bat.

Yolanda: “I like to have fun but can only drink once a week because I have actual baby lambs growing inside of me and they get angry when I feed them alcohol” -4

-1: Yolanda constantly criticizing everyone for being “real Beverly Hills” girls … Have you met yourself? Your fridge is color coordinated.

+2: (positive points for talking shit) List of things Yolanda has commented about “these women” They don't:

1. Know how to act at dinner parties.
2. Know how to act at group dinners.
3. Know how to drive golf carts.
4. Know how to play badminton (or any sports)
5. Have you seen my house? I designed it. It's exquisite.

+1: “These women clearly have never played a sport in their life. I mean I've seen better badminton playing in a Tampax commercial.”

-3: Yolanda really knows how to have a good time, throw a couple of towels at her besties in a mud sauna, a little competitive golf cart racing, and for the evening a little tea and bed by 9! They should change her name to YOLO.

-1: “What they do is they take fresh cells of the unborn fetus of the baby lamb”…. you sound like an upscale Hannibal. IT RUBS THE LA MER LOTION ON ITS SKIN…

-1: “Clearly I'm the better driver because I look back and I see driving Miss Daisy unable to drive.” Actually Yolanda, first off Morgan Freeman was a very good chauffeur in that movie. Secondly I know you're from like the Netherlands or some shit but being brunette doesn't make someone black.

-3: “There's nothing uglier to me than a bunch of drunk women”…. Kyle said it best: She may want to find a new crowd.

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