The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 3

Was it just us or was last night's episode the least dramatic in the history of RHOBH? The first two seasons included domestic violence, con artists, and alcoholism but so far this season is proving to be so chill. The only things anyone is bitching about is whose house is nicer or who can sing the star spangled banner better than like, an actual singer.

So last night's dinner party had more food porn than Instagram, but not an electronic cigarette to be found. There were also like 3 musicians invited to eat and sing, which is 3 more than at my normal dinner parties. But Yolanda didn't stop there, she not only “forced” her flamboyant husband to display his 570 Grammys on the piano, depressed Taylor by again, forcing, her husband to play funeral tunes, but also hired Bravo's Wadsworth, the butler equivalent of a streetwalker, to cater her party… all in one evening! How did she even find the time to host such a beautiful event in between color coordinating her fridge/closet and counting her daughter's calories!?

Yolanda – “I like to have fun, and by 'have fun' I mean have you seen all my lemons?”  -1

+1: “I should've been Martha Stewart's daughter, I love waking up at 5 am, going to the flower market, doing insider trading, etc.”

+1: “I drew this entire house, top to bottom, isn't it perfect? I mean, this toilet didn't draw itself.”

+1: “It's a great house for entertaining. It's enormous. It's romantic. It's mine. Have you seen it?”

-1: For saying she was going to do dinner in height order and then deciding against it (probably once the producers intervened and demanded that Lisa and Adrienne sit across from each other). But like what, was she going to measure everyone at the door? Perhaps the butler forgot a yard stick.

-2: Jesus Christ Yolanda stop pretending you're the fucking first lady. It's a dinner party for people who aren't even your friends.

-1: for her narcissistic-as-fuck husband: “I have so many Grammys they're a party favor. I'm so modest I don't want to display all 7000 of my Grammys on my piano but like, my wife insists. Yeah sometimes Kenny G will just come over and play. I'm kind of a big deal.”

Kim – “Life is a journey and I keep finding chipped nails in my chicken salad.” +9

+2: “I've done 3 proms before, but this is the first I'm sober for.”

+7: (points for entertainment, in reality -20) The pre-prom was probably the funniest thing I've ever seen, from the cupcake display to the chicken salad for twelve, Kim really was expecting her daughter to stay and eat. But when her daughter's boyfriend showed up, a bro whom Bravo may or may not have borrowed from Teen Mom 2, they just left, and Kim was left home alone, looking through her window, sadly stuffing her face with chicken salad.

+1: This makes us wonder what she greets Jehovah's Witnesses with, sushi boat for four?

-1: Kim thinks that she and Yolanda get along so well because of their astrology signs. This is the same family that thinks unicorns are real.

Kyle – “I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, but I don't know how to park because what's the point? Everywhere you go has valet.”  +13

+2: For teaching your daughter how to parallel park on a rounded curb.

+3: “I think I lose 5 lbs everytime I drive with her.” …Is that why Mauricio is making you teach her instead of him?

+5: On oversized exotic appetizers…Taylor: I was gonna say, I wasn't sure if I can fit this in my mouthKyle: You could put anything in your mouth.

+3: “Oh you wrote that song? My mother used to love it!” …for not so subtly hinting that Yolanda's husband is old as fuck.

Adrienne – “Know your friends, and show your enemies that your husband talks just as much shit as you”  -7

+1: Upon their arrival at Yolanda's dinner party, Paul wastes 0 minutes before he starts talking shit about Lisa.

-5: “Lisa owes Adrienne an apology. She insulted her shoes, she insulted our dog, and she didn't say bye when she moved. Meanwhile, all Adrienne did was slander her on the reunion show. It's ridiculous.”

-3: But seriously, Paul needs to stop bitching. In the limo he said he'd be pissed if Lisa greeted him with fake cheek kisses but when they show up and Lisa ignores him, Paul continues to bitch about not getting enough attention. It's like make up your mind man, you're more indecisive than a fat man at a buffet.

Lisa “Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also treating your husband like a dog.” +2

+3: “Doesn't Adrienne have someone to apologize for her?” …we heard that's Paul's half of the settlement.

-1: Lisa, stop not fighting with Adrienne, this is a reality show. Keep this shit up and we're not going to watch the spinoff.

Taylor “I fought too hard for this zip code to admit that no one wants me here.”  -7

-1: Barely capable of moving the geometric mistake she calls a mouth. She's a total Picasso…looks shitty from far away and up close it's still a total mess.

-2: Gets visibly upset when David Foster can't remember her name. You're the poorest girl in Beverly Hills. No one know who the fuck you are!

-3: Has a thing for American Idol contestants. Some people wait a lifetime for humiliation like this.

-1: Stop playing an Irish funeral song, Yolanda. I recently went to a funeral..of my husband…who beat me up…who now doesn't beat me up anymore…because he's dead

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