The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 1

So after watching last night's season premirere of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we knew we were in for a dramatic, only partially scripted season of laughs, fights, and backstabbing. Sadly Camille gave up her place as a main housewife in order to pursue bigger and better things like fucking younger men and pretending she's twenty five. Lisa maintained her Queen Betchdom and found a new lackey in Brandi, her slutty sidekick of the season. Finally, we were introduced to an additional foreigner who managed to kiss her own ass by complimenting her body, her house, and her husband in the span of under two minutes. Despite the fact that Yolanda is literally the name of my housekeeper and the antagonist in the movie Selena, we'll see if she can keep up with the betchiness of the seasoned veterans of RHOBH.

And now, for what you've all been waiting for: The betchiest housewife of Beverly Hills.

Brandi 0

Money doesn't give you class, it just gives Lisa a closet that's bigger than my house

“I want to see Lisa's house first because I'm like the closest with her right now, and it's like a race, and I want to win” +1

Mostly Brandi's just happy to be the sidekick to the only BH housewife who's betchy enough to get her own spinoff. +2

Admitting that she fucked every guy in Beverly Hills. – 3

Lisa +6

Life isn't all diamonds and rosé, it's also about cocktail dresses and sex twice a year.

“It's very tranquil here, and um, no neighbors” – ouch passive aggressive references to Adrienne. +2

“Brandi’s very honest, she says she wants to have sex with Ken.
Ken’s very honest, he says he wants to have sex with me.
I’m very honest, I want to have sex with no one.” +2 for this gem

“Brandi, don't be jealous that your house is the size of my closet.”  +1

Lisa has a rule that people entering her house have to take off their shoes and gain 20 pounds. +1

Kyle +4

I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town…I guess my sister lives here too.

Kyle looks like she lost some of her season 2 weight gain. +3

Housing prices go up, Kyle gets a maserati. +2

For sure got her eyes done in the off season. +1

“Brandi and I made up and we're fine, and even though sometimes I hear things she says about me, I still don't mind seeing her face… Both of them.”  +1

Kyle, is this really how you’re sending out your daughter’s birthday party invitations? You‘re having a 4 year-old do voice calls with a lisp? Taylor Armstrong and Kennedy's over the top rodeo bash from last season wants you to go fuck yourself. – 3

Adrienne -5

 Know your friends, send your enemies ugly flowers

The way Paul says 'tri-colore' is not NOT homosexual. -1

It sort of seems like all the housewives knew the Maloof divorce was imminent. – 1

Does Adrienne really expect to be invited to Lisa's party just because they're on the same reality show? – 2

Adrienne sends Lisa what looks like an enormous piece of shit disguised as a tree – 1

Yolanda  -3

Camille’s replacement is twice as tall as her and half as coherent. – 1

Is Yolanda wearing a sweat suit to this dinner party? She looks like Candice Bergen in Sweet Home Alabama. – 2

Kim -2

Life is a journey and I’m still totally fucking lost

It appears that Kim actually ate Kyle's Season 2 weight. – 4

Kim Richards really doesn't know what a boutonniere is? Oh right, this girl never went to high school because she was busy escaping to Witch Mountain. – 2

Kim’s all like, “I don’t answer my phone because I don’t want to go to your fucking 5 year old’s birthday. Especially if it’s not open bar.” +3

The best part about Kim may be how she SOBERLY believes that her daughter is waiting for marriage. -1

Taylor -5 

I fought too hard for this zip code to let a little thing like my husband's suicide ruin my dreams of being a reality star. 

So she calls up Adrienne in the middle of their staged romantic dinner to break the news that she gained 10 pounds and was invited to Lisa's party without her. -2

I wonder if she regrets getting that really shitty spray tan before they shot the promo poses… gotta stick with that all season. – 4

“Adrienne and I have always been really close because like, when we go shopping, she will always be honest with me when something looks shitty” +1

So as per most episodes, Lisa is of course the winner. Stay tuned for next week to watch everyone in Beverly Hills continue to self-destruct. 


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