Season 2, Episode 8: The Opposite of Relaxation…because Kim stole all the xanys
We can't say that this episode was the most exciting one recently, but we'll still watch the reruns 10 times anyway. Camille showed us how it's indeed possible to both marry a celebrity and be incapable of conversing with men. Taylor showed us that she's achieved a weight that's made her practically invisible to the camera crew. We were nearly speechless on trampoline scene except Kim, your front flip is a 6.5
As usual we were left wondering about a few things, like who were those 2 randos at spa day, Adrienne's ugly down-to-earth friends? Aren't getting a facial and wearing makeup kind of like, mutually exclusive? Do they think we have time to google who the fuck Mohamed is? Is Mohamed's castle going to be Pam's wedding venue?? Why doesn't Bernie have an accent? Doesn't anyone notice this I feel like I'm taking crazy pills
Serious points to Bravo for the irony of having the housewives work out an argument on a spa day. But really, it was a joke, because the only thing we resolved is that Taylor still has enough money for lip injections.
Further points to Bravo for the appearance of Brandi and Pam on Watch What Happens Live, the two of them have zero filter and therefore are comedic fucking gold…
Quote of the Night:
Bravo Andy: Pam, what's the most common misconception about you? Brandi: That she's rich. Pam: You bitch!
(Also, take our quotes loosely, we can't pay attention long enough to write down the lines verbatim.)
“Having it all is easy… what, you don't eat golden whole wheat crackers and have your own hydrofacial laser light therapy thing?” 10 points
+1: There's nothing more necessary than 3 refrigerators. +2: For being so over cooking before it even started. +2: “So once I take it out, I physically stand the chicken up?” – Okay Amelia Bedelia, chill with that. +1: Finally you took those dirty jerz tinsels out of your hair +3: “I built a spa in my house so like, why go anywhere else?” – Soooo betchy. So glad you decided to participate in the series, has your publicist been reading our recaps? -1: Why are there 55 red velvet cakes? Let's count how many of the housewives eat. Um, 2, Lisa and Kyle. Incidentally the two with the happiest lives. Perhaps we've got it all wrong about not eating….. Nah. +2: We find it odd that Adrienne always plays the peacemaker considering her relationship with her husband, which basically exists on a foundation of his Stockholm Syndrome and her abuse. We wonder how many fights that spray tan machine causes between Adri and Paul. “ADRIENNE YOU TANNED MY DOG!”
“Life in Beverly Hills is a game. Game over.” 8 points
+3: Cooking isn't betchy but making fun of your bestie while teaching her how to is: “You might as well put the chicken in the dishwasher.” – Then Lisa asked to see Adrienne's penis. +3: “It's funny that he sees Pandora as his goddaughter when she's the same age as his girlfriend. I guess they can play together.” – You top yourself in every episode. +1: When you say “sort it out” you actually say “sawtitout” +1: You should've mentioned to Mohamed that the pillow-to-bed ratio in the orgy room was fucking poor. Not gonna fly at a Vanderpump shindig. Sort it out, Mohamed, sawtitout.
“I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but I DGAF because you're jealous of me” 7 points
+3: How many times did you want to scream “Stop fucking standing over me, does no one realize I'm getting a massage…It's so hard being me.” +3: No but seriously WHERE did you find Mauricio? +1: “Where were the diamonds? So cheap.”
“People try to figure me out, but I'm like a crossword puzzle with clues… Impossible.” 3 points
+2: “Kyle thought we were being 'bad' by jumping on the trampoline, but me? I'm always jumping on the trampoline!” – Our first thought was obviously, when where and with whom does Kim do all this alleged trampolining. But we get it now. Kim's life is just one everlasting trampoline jumping sesh. With like, the ups and downs, highs and lows, whatever. +1: “I don't like her, I don't think she's got a pretty mouth. Dirty, dirty, ugly mouth. Like a sewer.” …Clean it with Orbit.
“I finally found my voice… oh wait fuck where'd it go.” 1 point
+1: What you really wanted to say about your lunch with Brandi was how weird it was that she ordered fries when everyone knows “lunch” just means a latte.
“Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, but did you know that I was married to Kelsey Grammer?” -2 points
-3: She totally wanted to fuck the guy with the champagne, but shame on her for that attempt at flirting with the waiter. Yeah Camille, telling guys how much weight we want to gain has worked for us in the past too. +1: She's a completely changed person since last season. Apparently divorce turns betches into nice girls and um, Brandi Glanville into a pir-unuh…in the words of
“I can barely walk in these thunder thighs” -3 points
-1: For wasting oxygen. Go green, go the fuck away. -2: How come so little screen time this ep? We're dying to know which famous designer is your gynecologist.
“Bravo put me on suicide watch.” -6 points
-1: Sick pants suit. Totes goes with your crutches. -3: We're so over your tears and your face not moving. Ugh, go gimp elsewhere. +1: Hahahah. “I know I'm a nice person but if you can't see it then FUCK OFF.” Way to show and not tell! The betchiest thing you've said to date. WWHL -3: We died when you screamed FUCK on national cable. What's next, a wardrobe malfunction? One of your huge national geographic breasts gonna pop? Can they tell when it's fucking raining?
Final scores, for betches who can't read good:
Adrienne: 10 Lisa: 8 Kyle: 7 Kim: 3 Taylor: 1 Camille: -2 Pam: -3 Brandi: -6