Season 2, Episode 14: Rufied Wine Party From Hell
This episode of Real Housewives was like a scene from the Real World or WWE Diva's. Shit was whack. If in Oklahoma they get drunk and yell pathetic things at their friends then yes, Taylor, you finally went all “Oklahoma” on someone's ass. We're sure that either Brandi or one of Bravo's production crew dropped some Xanax in the girls' wine because tonight was simultaneously hysterical and nauseating. Why do they keep having girls-only parties? They're a recipe for a disaster bigger than if we were to recap Real Housewives of Atlanta.
We really do like it when they all plead for no drama amidst shit talking every other sentence. i.e., the nip-uation. We could've come up with something a little better than “this is wedges and no bra party.” Like someone could have at least asked Brandi if they were fake a la Samantha Jones.
But seriously, no wonder they all get into such insane fights with each other. Put 15 starving betches in a room and shit is bound to go down. We may not eat but talking shit will keep us alive.
We're sure about one thing though, vaGina makes some delicious looking spring rolls.
“Diamonds aren't a girls best friend, drunk DD is” 9 points
+7: Camille should technically win betchiest housewife for seeming like the least psychotic woman at the party. Props for whatever meds shes on that stops her from violent outbursts. Or the fact that she doesn't drink…hmmm, that's something to think about. Wait what the fuck are we saying? Sober, baaaad. Black out fighting.. GOOOOOD. +2: “Why is DD speaking? I didnt pay her for this!!!”
“Life in Beverly Hills is a game, Ken only wins 2 BJs per year” 7 points
+2: She loves talking about how she has bills to pay, also pretending like
her wedding Pandora's wedding will be less than a million dollars. See: how to seem down to earth. +4: The contractor says “It helps that you look fabulous today.” Extremely betchy response: I know that asshole, how do you think I'm on TV now now get your shit together. +1: “Blow job classes? I should've gone.” Ken you dirty devil you. No but seriously, we believe you have sex twice a year the same way we believe Kim hasn't had a drink in months.
“I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills but I'm definitely the most flexible” 0 points
+1: “I will never say never” – Who ever thought Justin Bieber was really singing about preventative botox!? -2: Omg Kyle please say something controversial and stop saying stupid shit like “I think Taylor is worried Russell will hurt her” and “I wish my friends would all get along.” +1: Stop doing splits and just show us the trapeze in your bedroom and the sex-trained circus midgets hiding in your closet.
“My parents were hippies, we were always naked, and ironically danced to Leann Rime's songs” 1 point
+1: You looked like Taylor Swift at lunch with Adri, except you can't sing, walk without a gimp, or host a dinner party. +2: Battle of the attention seekers, who will win? Kyle's Arabian belly dance or Brandi's big nips? It's called boob tape. But who cares anyway, the 2 of them were trumped by Taylor's fit of rage and pulling over for a cigarette…And we thought Kim would be the one to cave first. -2: “I just wanted to try to fit in.” Is this a scene from Secret Life of the American Teenager? This episode should be called 35 going on 13.
“I may have everything, but holy shit, Paul's actually a dece plastic surgeon” 1 point
+1: “This group drives me to drink” – As soon as she said that, Taylor started babbling emotional nonsense that no one wanted to hear. Here's an idea, no one sit with Taylor for long enough for her to start talking about her personal issues. “I can't trust anyone anymore—-“...Hold that thought Tay, I gotta go check on Bruce Jenner's ex wife, see what she thinks about how big the ocean is…and then go drown myself in it.”
“People try to figure me out but my housekeeper knows me best” -1 point
-2: “Ohhh my blanket's all clean!” – Stop doing housework, you have a housekeeper. +1: “She doesnt exist, why would I go to her party?” – And next week on the Real Housewives, we find out that Kim sees dead people.
“EEK” -10 points
-3: Your lips are like the King Da Ka of your face. -2: “Normally I'm all like, make it all better, put some icing on the cake, put some cover up on my bruises, move on and shit.” -1: “Ooh belly dancing, a perfect time to bring up all of my personal problems” – 1: “I want to talk to her alone” and by alone I mean surrounded by a group of 20 women. -3: Taylor is such an annoying loser – you're really going to pull the 'I'm going to step outside so everyone asks me to step back inside' move. WE INVENTED THAT MOVE and then ditched it once we turned 13.