Originally we were not going to recap the RHOBH reunion because we didn't want to do that much work, but it turns out we had so many opinions we couldn't resist. Too much shit was revealed that needs to be called out for what it is. There was a huge elephant in the room that night, and no we don't mean Dana. We're talking about the obvious schism between the right couch and the left couch.
Is it just us or did Lisa and Adrienne look like they want to jump across the room and fucking kill each other right in front of little Andy? Thank God Lisa didn't make any remarks about how sexy Adrienne's face looks pushed back. Whatevs, all we know is that Lisa has an astute sense of how to fight these women, and Adrienne flat out does not. Let's take a look:
Adrienne's Reunion Party Fouls
Calling out Lisa for selling stories to Radar Online: Regardless of whether Lisa did or didn't, Adrienne did not play her cards well in this set. Not only did she end up pathetically apologizing, but this was a bold accusation and Lisa absolutely destroyed her with big words like 'character assassination' and fbombs without a hint of sarcasm. Maloof gave herself the hoof.
“I don't know how much it costs to sell a story, you would know, I don't sell stories” [Adrienne's thoughts: “wow that was an amazing comeback, I should try standup at The Palms or patent the first original Maloof Comeback Generator”]
The Maloof Hoof freakout: Can nobody take a fucking joke? That's clever if anything, it's not like she called the shoes Maloof Mobiles: shoes so scary at first sight they make you want to run in the other fucking direction. Also, way to make people forget about that “degrading” nickname, now I'm only ever going to refer to these shoes as the Maloof Hoof.
The Bernie bullshit: Your chef makes fun of your guest and you side with the chef? I mean, he might make a great gilded tuna tartar, but he's not hired for his opinion. If I wanted to listen to someone bitch while cooking I'd speak to my mom.
PS. Let the Palms/Planet Hollywood thing go, no one cares. Especially not Lisa.
Right Couch vs. Left Couch Problems
Brandi chimes into the Vanderloof War and reveals that “one” of the other girls talks shit about Lisa. [Cue to everyone looking around like 'who, me?'] In a really intelligent move, Adrienne asks Brandi “who's the one person?”…only for Brandi to respond that it's in fact…Adrienne. Seriously?? That's like the idiot klepto in camp who steals your shorts and when you go to confront her, she claims they're hers and tells you to check the nametag….where you find your own name.
Speaking of Brandi, this bitch was hardcore in the hot seat tonight, getting called a slut and angry spice, because you know, Angry Spice was Scary Spice's understudy. Not only was she throwing back the most passive aggressive digs like “when's your book coming out Taylor, it's been a hot minute” and the extremely harsh, “Okay Taylor” but the whole reunion felt like Brandi against the
world right couch.
But Brandi wasn't alone, Lisa was defending Brandi to the point where even Brandi was like, genuinely shocked Lisa would go this far.
[Cue British accent] “Ohhhh shutup about Brahndi slashing Eddie's tye-yas, oh let's be Oh-nest, it's not that bahhd…oh she called you a cunt?….oh she blew up your house!? That's nothing! I don't mean to say I'm condoning arson, I'm just saying it's not THAT bad when you're not even INSIDE the house in question!”
What also became all too evident is that former besties Lisa and Kyle are nooo longer BFFAETDDUP. The minute Lisa watched the game night episode she saw that Kyle was an actual bitch and kind of a liar…. that friendship sank faster than my sorority did after I graduated. So now there's a new friendship growing between L and B and we're definitely excited to see this diverting duo on Season 3.
P.S. We casually love that Brandi sent a 'wrong text' to Kyle saying “Kyle is such a cunt” …it was probably meant for Lisa.
Lies Taylor Armstrong Told Me
1. She didn't know about Russell emailing Camille threatening a lawsuit, but Brandi says Russell told her otherwise. This doesn't take a lot of critical thought to figure out. Obviously Taylor had to have told Russell what Camille said, otherwise how would Russell have known about the fight at all? It's like the laws of physics or something. 2. Adrienne is Kennedy's godmother. See this video from last season's reunion. (Also notice how much skinnier Kyle was and how Lisa's wearing the same dress in another color.) 3. Taylor used to be “afraid” of Lisa because she never had a British friend before…. That's like saying I'm afraid of the washing machine because I've never done laundry. 4. She's rich. 5. She wrote her own book. 6. “Giggy was tweeting things I didn't think was appropriate.” [Lisa's thoughts: Ohhh thank the Lord Tay-lah said that, finally someone acknowledges Giggy is a real person!]
Camille Grammer: Call me Swede, I mean Switzerland.
Ahhh the ever anticipated Kim Richards post-rehab interview: The Alcoholic Tells All
I mean she's extremely subdued during this interview she's clearly on her medicine, but I guess we're happy that she's sober…for now
Still after this whole rehab debacle, she's still somehow “moving”…lol Kim, lol.
Andy asks Kyle “what's the difference between the Kim you see now and the Kim you saw during the season?” …you can tell she wants to say, “Well, she's looking a little chubs, and now she's fucked up on pills she's PRESCRIBED, not just whatever rando assortment she finds lying around people's houses, so that's a step…
How come they didn't have to go through the 'hello Andys?'
Why does Taylor think this show is the appropriate forum for her plastic surgery consultations? Why does Paul agree to do them?
Ken Vanderpump def wore the tightest pants back in the 70s. The more I look at him the more he looks like Giggy.
Pam's heels, not only do they say fook you on them but they have a middle finger with a diamond. If this isn't justification enough for you that fook is happening, well frankly, we don't give a fook.
Pam's rags to riches story kind of speaks to exactly who she is, and it's actually very interesting how she owns up to brown nosing and doesn't give a shit if people don't like it. I mean, like whatever. Go Pammy, keep buying your million dollar lollipop holders, just maybe hold off on the lollipops.