The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 12

Ugh so another week, another episode of RHOBH that was exactly like the week before. I think we've pretty much nailed down the plot for these episodes. The Bravo itinerary cards given to the girls probably read “pole dancing, cosmetic procedures, say “you lie, no you lie”, then talk shit with a loved one when you get home.”

The producers could definitely sense this episode was going to be boring as fuck so they had Kyle bring up Adrienne so they could fill their dinner party screaming match quota. Come on Bravo, when the most novel thing about an episode is Paul Nassif getting his fucking back hair removed, you know you've got to step your shit up.

Also, whenever Kyle has to speak on behalf of Kim the conversation almost ALWAYS goes like this: 

RHOBH Housewife: Kyle I can't believe your sister did crazy scenario X
Kyle: You know I try to support my sister through her struggle to get sober. My sister can be a little eccentric.
RHOBH Housewife: Yes. Kim is so crazy. We just don't know how you deal with her.

Kyle +8

“My sister and I were born and raised in Beverly Hills and yet my deepest conversations with my sister occur when she's nearly comatose.”

+2 Kyle was casually sort of killing it this episode by standing up to Queen Bee Lisa. I'm sure Lisa went home and got out her burn book of all the girls in Beverly Hills and wrote that Kyle's nails were disgusting.

+1 “I think this pole dancing could be a good job for Brandi…she's good at it.”

-5 Ugh Kyle's fugly tacky Chanel nails.

+2  “The fact that she's waited until she's basically on the operating table shows me where our relationship is.” God Kyle not everything is about you. 

+5 Kyle to Yolanda: “What was that procedure you had? You had your fun removed?”

-2 Trying to sanitize the pole with the shirt you're wearing. Typical Kyle move, showing that she didn't go to college.

+2 “Where's your plane Camille, Jesus!”

+3 For the only time she compliments her sister's looks being when she legit is covering the whole thing with a bandage. 

Adrienne -1

“Know your friends, get your future enemy's back hair removed.”

+1 Only 1 because I'm tired of hearing these casual Brandi/Adrienne insults, “My business is the shoe business. Brandi's business is the dancing on a pole business.”

-2 Sadly Paul's laser hair removal did not save their marriage. There goes that method of brand advertising. I guess Adrienne finally told Paul after years of matrimony that he could go shave his back now. I wonder if Paul then assigned someone to butter her muffin.

Kim +4

“Life is a journey, my nose is not coming with.”

+2 Kim has an assistant and a house man. Because that's how many people it takes to make sure she doesn't accidentally drown herself talking to ghosts in her bathtub.

+2 “I'm thinking of maybe getting my nose done like, today but I don't know if I wanna do it. I may wanna get a mani/pedi instead.” Who takes altering their facial bone structure that seriously?

+2 I've always felt that you should be grateful for what you have and what God gave you. Unless God gave you a drinking problem. In that case you can do whatever the fuck you want.

-2 Kim, you are fucking crazy, “Did you have a beautiful weekend?” The doctor was like get this freak under already.

+2 I'm proud that Kim didn't even use her deviated septum as a bullshit excuse to get nose job. Instead her reasons lied in literally having so much time on her hands  that altering her face was the only way to quench her boredom.

-5 OMG Kyle is more embarrassed that Kim is smoking a trashy e-cigarette on national television than if her sister were literally shooting up heroin in her post surgery bed.

+2 The best conversation between Kim and Kyle ever obviously occurs when Kim is so numbed from painkillers that she can stand to listen to Kyle's continuous bitching about the Adrienne/Brandi fight.

+1 But like +1 for the Allison Dubois impersonation. 

Lisa +6

“Life isn't all diamonds and rosé, but fuck with my ownership of SUR and I will make you wish you were never born.”

+4 “Kyle you're supposed to be a stripper not a fireman”

+3 Ah the giggytini

-1 Confucius say: the most hurtful thing is the silence of your friends not the words of your enemies.

 Brandi -3

“Money doesn't give you class, wait actually maybe it does since I have no money and I won't stop dry humping poles.”

-1 “Adrienne only owns 2% of the Palms.” Oh really Warren Buffet? How much of a famous hotel chain do you own?

-2 This convo: 

Kyle: You just said before you didn't have your nose done. And you did.
Brandi: No I didn't
Kyle: Yes you did.
Brandi then silently shuts the fuck up, acknowledging that she did.

Marissa +3

-2 “Being on a pole does not empower women. Belittling your husband so he feels like a worthless piece of shit empowers women. Duh.”

-1 “The only way I can act sexy at all is like, uh, never.”

+6 OMG It's an Alaia. Somebody get a sponge!
Marisa: An a-what-a?
Kyle: It's, like, a totally important designer.
Marisa:  I will totally shoot you in the head.

Yolanda +5

“I like to have fun, I think, wait why the fuck am I on this show again?”

+2 “Kyle loves to make drama by defending Adrienne. I avoid drama like a real adult: by making grand statements about how much more mature I am. I'm a mother of three, have you seen my house?” 

-2 “My husband David sent a private jet to come fly me home early. It's private. Obviously. You've seen my house right?”

+5 For the “shhh” to Camille which is actually the best condescending way to annoy the shit out of someone since telling them to “chill out”.


“I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” But wait did you actually go home?

Camille +2

+2 For defending yourself and having the balls to call out Lisa out for only owning half of SUR.  We should totally just stab Lisa!


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