The Betches’ Guide to Mother’s Day

A very special holiday is coming up in a betch’s life: Mother’s Day. This is the one time a year we thank our betchy moms for betchily bringing us into the world, except for maybe their birthday too, provided the two holidays come far enough apart that we have time to think of two different gifts.

Obviously one of the many reasons betches love Mother’s Day is that brunch is almost always involved. Your whole family comes together over eggs benedict and mimosas and the best part is unlike drunk brunch with your besties, your dad pays for it. That’s just like, the rules of feminism.

Aside from brunch, Mother’s Day is the perfect opportunity to manipulate your mom with gifts show your mom how much you care. Unless you’re a Gilmore girl, you clash with your mom every once in a while and your Mother’s Day gift is the best way to get back in mom’s good graces by showing her you really were paying attention when she mentioned she really wanted that bracelet she saw on QVC, but you just didn’t get it for her because that bracelet was the ugliest effing thing you’d ever seen.

Your gift choice is crucial because you obv want to show your mom you appreciate her giving you life and convincing your dad to continue to pay your phone bill for the next decade. Also because I don’t know about anyone else’s moms, but my mom is way more likely to buy me shit I don’t need when she feels appreciated. We’ve broken down the most common Mother’s Day gift ideas and what they really say so you can find just the right way to say, “I love you and thanks for not disowning me that time I totaled your car.”

Flowers: I forgot it was Mother’s Day until Saturday, but TG for 1800-flowers and super rush delivery! Love you!!

Jewelry: I saw this necklace and thought you’d like it but in case you don’t I’ll borrow it, so it’s really a win-win here.

A card: I couldn’t actually think of anything to buy you but I don’t want you to think I’m a bad child or write me out of the will, so…Hallmark.

Breakfast in bed: I may have burnt the eggs, toast, and coffee, but at least I tried?

Manicure/spa package: I’m hoping to undo years of built-up stress in one 45-minute massage.

Whatever your sister told you she wanted: Bitch is just trying to secure that trip to Bergdorf’s for herself. Watch the fuck out. If you’re really stumped you can always browse your mom’s internet history (provided she knows how to use “The Google”) or ask your dad…JK there’s no way he was ever paying attention to your mom’s “subtle” hints.

House cleaning: LOL like I’d actually get a Swiffer or whatever to do it myself. Tbh my mom would be totally NOT thrilled if I hired a cleaning service even for one day because I’m pretty sure the only thing she loves more than a clean house is constantly bitching about how messy my room is. What can I say, I have more clothes than hangers. Shrug life.

Thanks again to our moms for giving us life and teaching us (almost) everything we know. Even though National Betch Day isn’t a holiday yet, every other day of the year is about us anyway so we’ll let our moms have this one to thank them for not bringing us up to be nice girls.


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