The Betches’ Guide to Easter

So thousands of years ago, Jesus rose from the dead and like, proved all his haters wrong…or something like that. Idk. Sunday school was a long time ago. If you’re looking for a religion lesson you’ve come to the wrong website.

Easter’s that holiday that just sort of arrives…sometimes in March, sometimes in April. Honestly, it’s a fucking crap shoot. Let’s not even talk about the fact that Easter Sunday and 4/20 fall on the same day this year because that is just a tragic combination of events we hoped would never happen. That said, for all the Good Christian Betches out there, we bring you the betches guide to Easter.

Go to church

For many betches, Easter is the only time of year she and her family actually go to church…along with like 50,000 other people who also never go/ had the same idea. Nothing says Easter quite like your dad flipping off whatever asshole tries to steal his spot in the Parish parking lot. Hooray for celebrating The Lord!

Mourn the end of Lent

Easter also marks the end of Lent, AKA morally acceptable dieting. While betches could give up things like Netflix or Diet Coke or judging people (hah! We kid. That last one’s just impossible), we instead use Lent as a time to cut out major food groups without the usual judgments or allegations of having an eating disorder. “This year I gave up meat, dairy, and gluten”… essentially, everything with calories. You also lost like 8 pounds, but mainly you were just being like, a REALLY good person.

Dress up

Easter means putting on your Sunday best, or in other words, something that is country club chic and preferably pastel. Go for a dress that's tight enough that it shows off your bod, but has enough coverage that grandma won't pass out into the brunch buffet when she sees you.

Don’t eat the candy

Honestly, you’re not missing out on much. No one actually likes peeps, jelly beans are always disappointing, and even as a kid eating the entire head off a chocolate rabbit probably made you feel like a fat ass. Side note: it should.

Get real presents

Now that you're older, if you haven't moved on to getting full out gifts from your parents for Easter, you need to get on that. Skip the egg hunt this year, mom. I'd prefer cash.

So, betches, put on your Sunday best. Your fasting during lent might not have made you a better person, but it’s definitely made you look better in your Easter dress.


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