The Betches’ Amsterdam Cheat Sheet

Obviously, the whole drugs being legal thing is largely responsible for Amsterdams status as somewhat of a pilgrimage site for anyone who likes fun. If you aren’t ready to leave Amsterdam after the third or fourth day, you either didn’t do it right, or you’ve already started growing dreadlocks. Since time in this utopian paradise is often limited, here is how to (barely) make it out alive. If you’ve already fulfilled your rite of passage through the holy land, maybe this will jog your memory:

DO: Beeline to the nearest coffee shop and light one up. Buying pre-rolled joints is totally lazy, touristy and fucking incredible – just beware that they are heavily spliffed. This is why it might be worth investing in bringing someone on the trip who is coordinated enough to roll a joint. This way you can experiment with different strains and pick up some new chill vocab to impress your dealer at home.

DON’T: Get hit by a bike. Seriously, there is 10 million times more likely to be a bike jam than a traffic jam in this city. Designated bike lanes are also frequented by various motorized vehicles too.

DO: Frequent the red light district. There’s nothing like seeing a girl trying to sell herself in a window to make you feel like you have your shit together. Yes, they are in actual body length windows, wearing lingerie that was probably bought at the Dutch version of Party City’s post Halloween sale.

MUST: Go to a sex show. You’d probably get more turned on from reading the first two pages of 50 shades, but attendance is obligatory.

DON’T: Wait in line like a peasant to get into the Van Gogh Museum. You 100% have to go but buy tickets ahead of time and cut the entire line, duh. You’ll probably run into someone from high school right around the point when he cut his ear off.

DO: Go to the Heineken Brewery. Every guy who works there looks like a Ryan Gosling or Bradley Cooper before the American Sniper 50.

DO: Go to the park and eat trippy truffles. A low cal way to give your lungs a break and see what its like to be a flower child for 6-9 hours before returning back to the reality of being indecisive about which Insta filter best compliments the “one with nature-esque” picture of you from your trip.


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