The Best Golden Globes Recap You’ll Ever Read

Despite spending most of Sunday feeling very anxious due to the overwhelming amount of TV that was on last night, we sort of really enjoyed the Golden Globes. The Globes are fun in that they're kind of a free for all because everyone's wasted, people are walking around doing as they please, people are thanking randoms in their speeches, Tina and Amy are dressed as men, and Richard Gere is feeling up his table buddy Taylor Swift.

However, there is a lot to be said about what actually went down last night. Most notably, Tina and Amy killing it as hosts and the way everyone pronounced Les Miserableeeehh. It's like, one movie with a French title is released and all of a sudden everyone's fucking Muzzy. Je suis la jeune fille. Yes that's French they're speaking and no these children aren't French, they're American. 

Another big thing that happened was Jodie Foster's lifetime achievement shit. I mean her speech was pretty funny even though everyone was fucking crying. I sort of like the Jodes, she's kind of hilarious in the way that she's like this “groovy lesbian chick” who like, might punch you in the face at any moment.

Also, we must take a second to mention Lena Dunham. We're really proud of her because we think she's really smart, weird, and talented, but come the fuck on. WHO is your stylist? What was that dress? You're 26, not 78. Just because you cut your hair short doesn't mean you can or should dress like Helen Mirren. And that penguin-like waddle up the stairs to the stage? You looked like a big girl walking down the street in the middle of July. But chafing aside, congrats.

Lastly, exactly what IS the Hollywood Foreign Press? They sound like aliens, but with like really chic accents.

The Red Carpet

Best Dressed: Amanda Seyfried, Amy Adams, Claire Danes, Nicole Kidman, Kristen Wiig, Emily Blunt, and that bitch from Downton Abbey. And Ben Affleck.

J-Lo, your slutty dress was too intense for how irrelevant you kind of are. No offense, but it's true.

Is it me or does Adele not wear the same exact thing to every event she attends? Black dress, scooped neck, always saying 'mum' a lot.

Lucy Liu's dress: as if Mulan raped a 1950's curtain depot.

Dennis Quaid: 50 Shades of Too Much Spray Tan

Kristen Bell, making it possible to look like a pregnant icicle.

Did anyone see Ariel Winter's outfit? She looked like she was just spit out of a cotton candy maker, but made sure to get a few bites before exiting the thing.

I really like Jessica Chastain, but she looked like a prehistoric dinosaur trying to make it in old Hollywood.

Jennifer Lawrence's cone boobs were super weird, Ryan Seacrest couldn't stop staring, but probably because he was afraid they were going to poke him in the eyes.

People who say Sienna Miller is like, the shit, are dumb. Ok so she's pretty badass in the sense that she has a cool accent, doesn't give a shit, and calls Diddy “She-she” but you can't go to the Golden Globes in something you found in the plus size section of Oshkosh B'gosh, you just can't.

Claire Danes, regulation hottie.

Call Outs and LOL Moments

Whenever Salma Hayek is present I'm always like, huh?

Did anyone else scream at their TV, Catherine Zeta-Jones, GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!!! No? Just me? KK.

I still love that a man who plays a super intelligent CIA operative is actually named Mandy…Mandy Girl, you are my world.

Christoph Waltz wins best supporting actor for playing the role of scheming German dude which he plays in every single fucking movie. How about a range of characters, Christy? And is he hooking up with Quentin Tarantino because I'm pretty sure he just blew him a kiss.

Meryl Streep for Hope Springs? Come on really? Does this bitch not get an award every year? Now we have to give her awards just for showing up.

Snaps for Daniel Day Lewis for the best unscripted joke of the night… “You thought Bill Clinton was good, Queen Elizabetch is going to parachute in last minute to pitch for Skyfall”

Kwiig and Ferrell were amazing. Kwiig looked hot and they were both very funny…they should host some shit together. Casually, the best part of their act was when the cameras panned to Tommy Lee Jones and he looked so fucking mad.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rocky Balboa: Both looking like someone hit them in the head one too many times.

Lena Dunham's tattoos actually look like someone accidentally dripped ink all over her arms.

Game Change is obviously still winning shit. The way Julianne Moore talks about playing Sarah Palin I wouldn't be surprised if she dresses up like her in her free time.

So about that Hugh Jackman and his wife. He's hot and she's like, old, and he is really really obsessed with her. All of this screams beard to me, no?

I still can't get over the fact that Abu Nazir was on stage. Come to think of it, I really would love to see Abu breaking it down to one of Carrie's jazz CDs.

…That time when you were like, ooooh whattup Bill Clinton?

Anne Hathaway

She clearly deserves her own category after last night's display of pure ickyness. Do you all get why we don't like her? Even when she laughs candidly, it always looks so calculated and fake I just want to punch her in her stupid miserableehh face. Also, stop fucking bopping around everywhere, you're at an awards show not Chuck E. Cheese.

Her singing is so les mis, her hair is so les mis, her first word being blergh was so les mis. Also, “weapon against self doubt” … “string of yesterdays”… bitch, this is just a Golden Globe, not the fucking Oscars. And please, you are STILL the prinCESS of Genovia.

But I really did love the moment when Anne Hathaway was thanking Sally Field for combatting type casting. Meanwhile Sally Field is looking at her like “who the fuck is this bitch?”


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