The Best Bachelorette Recap You’ll Ever Read: Finale Part 2

Last night America got to see what it’s like when a betch accepts a nicegirl proposal from her backburner bro: sad, pathetic, and filled with poetry. Less than a week after proclaiming her undying love for Brooks only to endure an epic public rejection, Des decides to cut her losses, break up with her gay boyfriend, and marry the only straight guy left on the island of Antigua. I think it’s pretty obvious that the chances of Chris and Des working out are slimmer than Mary Kate Olsen in 2004. 

On another note, we got to see Des’ brother return equipped with his fugly tattoo sleeve and serial killer eyes, ready to take down any man who dares try to date his baby faced sister. Anyone else think Des’ brother would make an incredibly entertaining Bachelor? It would be like Average Joe meets Sleeping with the Enemy. Good shit.

Rose Ceremony that Should’ve Aired Last Episode

Chris made it sound like Brooks died in some sort of freak skydiving/Antiguan base jumping accident: “Hey guys. Brooks is not with us. Here comes his sloppy seconds.”

Des is just throwing out idioms to try and rationalize this Brooks exit. “Brooks left so you know love is a battlefield and it’s also a two way street and uh too many cooks spoil the broth.”

“When I say your name and ask if you will accept this rose for the love of God please say yes because we have another hour and a half of footage to kill and if I get rejected one more time this season I may go drown myself in the Caribbean Ocean”

Getting a rose at this rose ceremony is like getting a participation ribbon in Little League. Means absolute shit.

Chris: “When I love someone as much as I love Des it's really hard to watch her cry” Yeah especially when it’s over a different guy you fucking weirdo.

Studio Audience

Woman in the audience: “I settled for my husband, I think Des will settle for hers.”

Chris Harrison calls out Des for describing her relationship with Brooks as running and skipping and walking to each other’s hearts as adjectives instead of verbs.  “We don't check grammar here.” No issue Chris, neither do we.

Why do all the girls in the studio audience look like they have some sort of genetic disorder? That or they look like fat Taylor Swifts.

Chris Harrison: “Tonight Sean and Brooks will be joining us. Let's just fill the room with people who have rejected Des!”

Chris: Sean, when are you and Catherine getting married? Sean: As soon as you pay us to Chris.

OMG I don't understand how Lesley, Jackie, and Lindsay are still showing up on this show? Did they like move in to ABC studios or something? It’s time to get real jobs.

Date with Drew

Des: This is Judy. She's your horse. Drew: OMG! I LIKE, LOVE JUDY GARLAND!

Des proves her undying devotion to wearing crop tops during any and all occasions. She’s actually wearing sweatpants and a crop top to break up with Drew. Now that I think about it, this is actually a pretty classic post breakup outfit like her underwear is kind of out and she’s wearing neon sneakers. Nothing says IDGAF more than this. The only thing missing is like her friends posting 500 Thought Catalogue articles on her Facebook wall about finding love.

Des is pulling a Brooks by trying to break up without speaking any words or comprehensible sentences.

“I never thought it would be like this.” – everyone who has ever lost The Bachelor

Don't worry Drew there's a guy out there for you!

Drew: You don't have to be sorry for not being in love with me. It's not a choice, baby I was born this way…I don't know when it will really sink in but probably sometime in the next few days while I'm making love to a man.

Drew: I'm confused. – Yeah Drew it took you long enough to catch up to the rest of us in knowing you're confused.

Drew’s like PHEW now I don't have to force myself to check out Des' rack.

I’ve actually never seen Drew show less emotion than when Des breaks up with him. I actually think he was secretly only really here because he wanted to chill with Brooks who he may have had actual feelings for. It kind of reminds me of Mean Girls. Drew was only pretending to be plastic straight to get back at Des for stealing Brooks and then Chris Harrison was all like “You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you! Like, Brooks, for example, he broke up with Des and guess what? He still doesn't want you!”

Date with Chris

Wasn't this the date she planned with Brooks before he dumped her?

“Chris and I have a connection and it was nice to spend the day with a guy who isn't gay and who actually wanted to hang out with me.”

Des is actually pretty fucking lucky. After most people get dumped they don't get to immediately dump someone else then go on a romantic boat ride.

Des: Today was so amazing that it's hard to accept but sometimes life is hard to accept. #shitstupidpeoplesay

Can this long ass conversation between Des and Chris end? Like this scene is lasting fucking forever. Normal couples don't spend 60% of their time talking about their connection.

Des: I’m not just going to introduce just anyone to my family.  – Des, there's only ONE GUY LEFT stop pretending this is a special selective process.

Des on Chris’ handwritten book of poems: Hm are any of these poems about Brooks?

Chris' poem: Two roads diverged in a wood and I chose the one less fucked by Des.

Des' Dad: Why should Desiree choose you? Chris: Because I'm the only one left.

I want to know what Neil Lane looked like Bachelor season 1.

Des is putting 0 effort into this proposal outfit that color is totally washing her out.

Chris: Desiree Hartsock I wanna be your first and I wanna be your last. Des: Uhhh you're def not my first.

“So wait, Brooks really isn't coming back?” – All of America after this sham of a proposal

After The Final Rose

Chris B Harrison totally verbally abuses Des. “This is the first time Des will see brooks since he broke her heart in Antigua…will Des choose Chris or choose no one and die single and alone?” 

Des: So you realized you couldn’t do this after the hometown dates and before Antigua? Brooks: I was so high after the hometown dates that I didn't even know we were in Antigua.

Des: After you left I actually got engaged to Chris. Brooks: Ah yeah nice dude. Cool yo.

Drew: Could I have done anything differently that would've changed where your mind was at? Des: Yeah, you could've enjoyed vagina more.

Drew: I will always be in your corner. I will always be there for you. –  WTF? Why would she need that? What is this, like Drew is Lauren Conrad and Des is Heidi Montag?

Do I really need to watch this proposal that I just watched 40 minutes ago again?

Relax Chris, you already won, you don't need to write any more poetry.

Why is Lesley wearing a wedding gown?

Great. Juan Pablo is the next bachelor so I can be fully prepared to have no idea what the fuck he's saying for an entire season. This must be some sort of front for him to smuggle South American cocaine to various Caribbean islands.


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