The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 7

So we’re finally at that time in Bachelor season when shit starts to get real boring. And without Tierra here to fake break her leg or bash her skull into a wall, we were left to deal with the most boring Bachelor of all time and his four boring GFs.

Thankfully Desiree’s family had a tattooed black sheep to mix things up a bit but it’s sad to think that ABC is now resorting to hiring actors for pranks because their candidates are too lame to execute them themselves. I think it’s safe to say that Desiree’s hometown prank was both much crazier and less believable than Sean’s “this is my room and it’s fucking disgusting and has stuffed animals” hometown date from Emily’s season but hey, anything to distract us from the fact that Desiree, a self proclaimed “fashion designer” has decided to sport an elementary school sports pinnie on her date with Sean.

Date with AshLee

So Sean kicks off his hometown date by meeting AshLee’s parents and we find ourselves re-hearing the story of AshLee’s adoption…again. It’s like are there no other stories that this family has besides the day her dad picked her up from foster care camp? Do they tell this story every morning at breakfast? Is it how AshLee introduces herself to prospective clients? Seriously though, say abandon one more time. Abandon.

Ashley gets the heart-on-her-sleeve award for letting Sean know that she loves him the soonest and kissing his ass in every which way possible. We get it AshLee, you don't want to wait to get married. No one ever accused you of taking it too slow. But really, if I kept telling a guy that I loved him and all I got was “you're the best, you!” I would probably throw myself under a bus.

“Before I met Sean I thought I knew what love was. It wasn't until I was dating a guy that was also dating 20 other girls at the same time as me that I truly knew what true love was.” Ash would make a great sister wife.

“Sean makes me feel like I can conquer anything, even chlamydia”

But seriously if she didn’t shut the fuck up about love being magical pixie dust at just the right moment I might’ve puked all over AshLee’s front lawn.

We get the sense that AshLee’s dad and Sean’s dad have a hell-ova’ lot in common. Sean and AshLee's dads are both reverends so they have that in common. Sean's dad is actually his whereas AshLee is adopted so they don't have that in common. However, AshLee's mother does not seem pleased about all that sexual romance going on in St. Croix. Looks like AshLee's in line for a foster beating.

I like how Sean promises not to break AshLee's heart as if there's not a 75% chance of that happening.

Sean to AshLee's dad: “Would you be okay if like I was feeling like marrying Ashlee could I do that poss? Like I probs won't but just in case I'm in that kind of mood is that like, chill with you?”

Date with Catherine

Aside from the fact that fish tossing is totally disgusting we did actually like Cathy’s leather jacket. What we didn’t like is that they were making this gross catch thing look like it was actually fun. We get that the bar is lower for Bachelor contestants but we’re not really buying this whole “OMG Sean you dropped the fish that is FUCKING HILARIOUS!!”

This whole Sean/Catherine date was like a huge coke binge. I think everyone can be like Catherine if they don't take their Adderall. Catherine is so great she loves to stuff her face with donuts!

But then things got serious and we could tell Sean was worried that monong meant that Catherine’s grandma is going to give him her hand and he's supposed to bring it down to his dick.

Catherine notes that ‘what I love about Sean is that he's always willing to do stuff’. As opposed to what, Catherine? Taking his time for mandatory hand gliding and cliff jumping on the Bachelor to re-watch old episodes of Lost? He’s contractually obligated to ‘do stuff’ with you.

Catherine’s family is by far my favorite hometown date of all time for the meta self-awareness that came with her mom and her sisters. They did not take this shit seriously at all. Fucking finally.

Catherine's sisters actually thought she was joking about this whole being on the Bachelor thing and their whole exchange was like watching Veronica Corningstone and Ron Burgandy on Anchorman.

Catherine’s Sister: I can't believe you did this! You actually think you’re dating the bachelor!
Catherine: I told you that I wanted to date Sean Lowe. I told you that!
Catherine’s sister: I thought you were kidding! I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. “Catherine had a very funny joke today.” I laughed at it later that night!”

Sean to Catherine's sisters: Is Catherine ready to settle down?
Catherine's sisters: If by settle down you mean like clean her room then no, I don't think Catherine is ready to settle down.

Touché to the most normal family on ABC. I bet they're all just here for the free lunch.

Lindsay's Date

Army brat, substitute teacher: exactly what this country is built on.

I bet Lindsay is like, “I wore a wedding dress and got blackout on my first night and I made it to the hometown dates, I must be fucking hot.” But really I seriously cannot believe the freak in the wedding dress has made it this far.

Lindsay brings out the kid in Sean because she's a stupid fucking substitute teacher. That’s 2 out of 4 girls who sat on Sean while he did pushups. What is this? The Biggest Loser?

Honestly though this date is the most boring shit ever. If I wanted to watch blonde guys surrounded by intensive military shit I'd watch Schindler's list.

“I met Lindsay's parents and all I got was this stupid necklace” – Sean. I love how Sean gets an army medal for successfully braving the war that is The Bachelor. Only instead of getting shot at by terrorists and militiamen he had to make small talk with a substitute teacher.

Desiree Date

Obvi the Bachelor saves the most dramatic hometown for last because otherwise who would stay tuned for two fucking hours for this shit.

“I love that Des brought me to this canyon on our date because it's her in her natural element” How is this her natural element Sean? She's an LA girl not a park ranger.

Then ABC arranges for Des’ insanely awkward prank where we’re actually supposed to believe that her ex is showing up right in time for Sean’s hometown date. Really though, where did they hire this guy? My guess is he’s in ABC’s bottom-of-the-barrel arsenal of low level actors whose scenes got cut from Revenge.

“He's actually an actor!” Oh this is awkward, because he was a terrible actor.

So here’s my rundown of Des’ fam. We’ve got Roxanne, Tony, and Desiree. This family sounds like trash city yet Des' mom is the poster child for mousy librarians.

Des' brother Nate tells Des this is not about being happy. This is about not embarrassing yourself on national television. Nate, as psycho as he is, is probably right. You're just not supposed to call your sister's reality boyfriend out on national television. Fuckingduh.

Nate is pretty scary in that just-released-from-the-psych-ward type way. I think this is the first time in Bachelor history that a bachelor has been holla'ed at. Also, Nate just learned the word reciprocation.

The funniest part of the episode are Des’ parents reaction to their Unabomber son’s psychosis:

“We have 4 distinct seasons”

“YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND !!! :'(“ – Des's dad

Rose Ceremony

Sean is perturbed and undecided because he and all these women are boring as fuck so I can see how he might not be swayed in any particular direction.

And to make this worse we learn that we have to endure a sit down with Sean tonight and tomorrow to explore Sean’s deep thoughts like why he inevitably sent Desiree home and how many of his ancestors were in the Confederate army.

Sean gets serious as he contemplates the benefits of Catherine vs. Desiree while he’s absolutely sure of AshLee and Lindsay. He notes that Catherine has too many goals for him. Lindsay good. Substitute teacher. No goals to deal with there.

Des does the last minute pull aside, which is the equivalent of the bachelor nuclear option.

Then you can tell Sean’s really indecisive because he goes into a “thinking room” where he stares at pictures like he's picking out fine china at Crate and Barrel. But really what do you think you’re going to find there? Life size replicas of the remaining girls’ boobs? Oz?

Chris with the best advice ever: “My advice to you is get this right.” You'd think after like 25 seasons of Bachelor(ette) Chris would come up with something better than that. It sounded like what he was really thinking was this “Look I gotta take a shit this could take a while. Take your time, this stuff is important.”

Ah another week and the last hoorah for Desiree McGoHomestein. I actually felt kind of bad for Des. It was weird how I had this weird sensation that I’d almost never felt before. At first I thought it was just that I was nauseous from having gone out the night before and then I realized it was actually compassion. But then Des like, wouldn’t physically let go of Sean and was clawing at him like a lifeboat on the Titanic and my feelings turned back into disgust where they belonged. All was right again in the world of the Bachelor. TFG.

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