The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5, Part 2

Sean continues his quest to visit the most miserable climates on earth and/or find a place where his sadistic hijinks might be considered funny, and so in this week's episode we find him and the girls heading to what appears to be the Arctic Circle. Throughout this episode It's impossible to tell what season of the year this is taking place, what time of day it is, why 30-minute activities take all day to complete, etc. As a skilled sadist, he's left us more disoriented than Sarah at a juggling competition.

AshLee on Tierra: “If she gets the one on one, I will throw up.” It's obvious that AshLee hasn't yet read Nice Is Just a Place in France or she'd know that throwing up is not a threat but a strategy.


Daniella, as confused as her colorist, STILL doesn't get a one-on-one date. Catherine, who for some reason is wearing her coat indoors, gets it instead. Did they not turn on the heat even inside the hotel? This is starting to feel like The Shining, and not because of Sean's red-face-glow. The date starts with Sean leaving Catherine out in the cold, after which he pulls up in an enormous snow bus so that Catherine can take something called “the blizzard test.” After this the torture continues at an isolated ice castle so that Sean can find out whether Abu Ahmed is in fact Osama's courier…we mean, whether Catherine is his true love.

Catherine finally gets her chance to show Sean her serious side with a camp story. “At 12 years old I realized that things can be taken from you very quickly.” We thought she was talking about her V-card, but no — her friend got smashed by a tree. By the way, we also learned this lesson at summer camp when our hair dryer was stolen before the first big social, but this tree thing sounds kinda bad, too. Sean looks slightly nervous, mostly because he realizes he'll have to abandon his plan to chop a tree down on one of the girls as his next hysterical prank. Catherine kisses Sean, which seems a lot like kissing a tree, if trees occasionally tongued you awkwardly and then went back to being completely motionless and boring.




The torture continues with the polar bear plunge at the edge of Lake Louise, where we meet Lena Dunham's doppelganger, the lifeguard we'll call…Louise. The lake was apparently named after this monster who lurks in and around the water, but thankfully unlike Lena Dunham she seems intent on keeping her shirt on.

“Call me a princess, I don't care.” – Selma, faithfully stating the Betches mantra after refusing to take the polar plunge. Sean promises Selma this is okay after Chris reminds him that America no longer has a policy of torturing Arabs without justification.

“No one's ever in my life made me want to do something for them.” – Little Orphan AshLee who apparently doesn't think that being taken in by loving adoptive parents requires any gratitude.

Of course, Tierra almost dies in a Bachelor halftime performance that only Beyonce could match. Sean: “I think everyone's aware of hypothermia, so that's the first place my mind goes.”  – as opposed to where, Sean, heat stroke? A peanut allergy? The girl just jumped in a 35 degree lake.


“I hope that after today Des has no more questions about where this relationship is going, or what we have in common, or where we are, or whether I'll ever let her get home alive. Enough with the pesky questions, Dez.”

We love Des, but she's becoming totally incoherent:

Sean: What was getting to you?

Des: I honestly don't even know.

Des, five minutes later: I'm glad I was able to express why I was being the way I was in Montana.

She's also poor in a really gross way that involves like trailers and shit: “Money and nice things never mattered to me at all.” No words to explain how offensive that kind of statement is to our community. She follows up with a disqualifying comment about growing up in a tent and falling in love in a teepee.




More than a day before the Rose Ceremony, Sean sends Sarah home. Apparently he decided that while he wanted Sarah canoeing with one arm and diving into an ice cold lake, it would be “unfair” to make her wait another day to send her home. #southernhospitality. Sarah, going out on the limb, makes the unbetchy move of asking Sean what was wrong. Sean just says “I feel like we were reaching” #breakuplinesforgirlswithonearm




Daniella already looked like a dental hygienist, so the smurf blue rose ceremony dress doesn't help. Either she gets a rose or Sean gets a toothbrush, but one of them is leaving tonight with a little swag.

Selma goes home after a cocktail party in which she gave Sean a kiss, inexplicably referred to her Arab mom as “mama.” Daniella, like a betch after a blackout blow job, leaves just before Sean could memorize her name. Tierra lives to see another night.


In the outtakes Sean admits to Lindsay that he peed in a desk as a four-year-old. “Kids are the best, like, what goes through their heads?” Since she has the mental capacity of a toddler, we think this was a rhetorical question, but Sean, slower than a glacier, answers: “I don't know I just thought it was a cool place to pee.”

Monday's Part One recap>>



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