The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 3

So last night's episode of the Bachelor left much to be desired, it not only set the world record for the longest onscreen kiss but also for being the most boring epi ever. I didn't think this season could get any more blah until we had to watch Sean plaster his face to Lesley's for a full 3 minutes. Jesus Sean can't you just go hand gliding like a normal bachelor? Notice the one “extreme sport” he's done this season was with handicapped Sarah, because why not take a crazy chance. If only every girl wasn't from such a happy fucking family, there might be some legit drama. And no, Kacie's replica of last season's psycho breakdown does not an intriguing two hours make. I guess it's back to clutching the porcelain goddess for Kacie B.

Date with Lesley

Sean: I thought it'd be fun if we can break our own Guiness world record
Lesley: What are we gonna do?
Sean: Grow our nails really long, it will take several years

Ah, so Sean's dad is an unsafe driver. Good to know. Riveting episode ABC.

After breaking the world record for longest onscreen kiss while wearing a dress that covered her upper-ass only, I think Lesley's career in betchocracy is officially dunzo.

Ok Lesley, you took AP classes and that makes you a nerd? So regular classes makes you cool? So being stupid is cool? I think thinking that makes you stupid.

Group Date Volleyball

“I'm gonna break you up into two teams. The team that has the most lesbionic volleyball moves gets to hang out with Sean.”

How come one armed Sarah didn't get asked on the volleyball date?

Sean: Nobody break your nose today, ABC doesn't insure the contestants.

I feel like Daniella is always drunk/has a drinking problem.

Overheard during volleyball: “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. You're talking about getting more time with a guy who could potentially be yours forever.”

Wait, do you guys want more time with Sean? Stop crying! It's only a game Focker!!

Ladies, Chris B. Harrison will be happy to help you clean the sand out of your vaginas after the game.

Group Date Night

There goes Krazy Kacie letting her psycho flag fly again. God Kacie you've been on this show twice, don't you know that the person who tells the Bachelor about the other psycho women in the house never wins? You are stuck in the middle of the Desiree and Amanda drama like Anderson Cooper is stuck in the middle of the sexuality spectrum. 

Kacie: I just want you to know that like, Amanda and Desiree don't get along, and I hope that doesn't get in the way of our time together

Sean: …And?

“I want you to act like Kacie not like this crazy person I see in front of me.” Wow he actually said that line.

Date with AshLee

So AshLee the personal organizer had to first share her date time with Tierra's concussion, and then their two new disabled besties…was this some sort of test to see if her personal organizer brain can handle intensive scheduling changes?

Wouldn't it be funny if Ashlee was like “Ugh I don't wanna deal with these fucking sick kids”?

….And now time for a private concert with Sean's favorite band that I've never heard of. I mean if I wanted to hear a private concert by barely famous people I could just record myself singing in the shower.

AshLee: When I was in a foster home I was abused by my foster parents.
Sean: That shit cray.

Rose Ceremony

“I have a surprise for Sarah…it's a forearm!”

Last week's recap>>


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