The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

So this week on the Bachelor Sean continued his legendary role as the Bachelor who broke all the rules in the most boring way possible.  He decided to pull yet another prank proving that his sense of humor is not so much funny as it is really fucking weird.

But really his prank went a little like this:

Actors: Did you break the glass sculpture?
Desiree: No. I didn’t touch it.
Sean: Desiree we’re pranking you! HAHAH! Way to take it like a champ! DAMN THAT WAS SO GOOD. God, That was great. We so got you. 

Now, the other girls. I was happy they spiced things up this week by showing us that there are still women out there who are not only hopeless romantics but also believe that this is 1991 and the Elaine Benice hairstyle is still okay. Seriously though when Katie said she felt like the odd duck we weren’t sure if she was literally referring to an odd duck that may have died in her hair. By the end of the episode we were upset because we weren’t sure who to hate yet, maybe Tierra or Amanda because that's who ABC told us to hate. Either way, we’re going to need to see some tears or breakdowns soon because Sarah’s one arm is beginning to lose it’s humorous novelty and we’re running out of puns.

Date with Sarah

“Our champagne is 300 feet down? How are we gonna get down there?” Take the elevator you fucking idiots. ABC must pay a fucking fortune in insurance fees.

…Oh I get it, because “jumping off a building” is a lot like “falling into love.” The ABCMT is back and subtler than ever.

Not to be a stickler for deets, but Sean, it’s not a free fall if you’re attached to a fucking high tech harness. That is legiterally the exact opposite of a free fall.

Sarah: Whats next?
Sean: We’re going to have spaghetti bolognese for dinner, but before we do that we have to hunt down those responsible for the Mumbai terrorist attacks

Group Date Photo Shoot

So you mean to tell me that Nice is Just a Place in France has the potential to be put on a shelf next to a book with Sean’s abs on the cover? Something about that is so wrong but also so hot at the same time.

Tierra – When you refer to yourself in the third person, you sound like a Power Rangers villain, especially with a name like fucking Tierra. She looks like she could be a waitress at SUR but like after she got fired for gaining weight.

Kacie B – Her job is listed as “Ben's season” making you a professional bachelor fucker congrats. The only thing more pathetic than being a contestant on a reality show dating competition is being a contestant on a reality show dating competition more than once.

Kristy the model won the award for best model, SHUTTUP.  

Group Date One-on-Ones

Robyn is the token girl who self implodes because she thinks another girl is so fake. You watch her turn from white, well black, to red, or darker black, in less than one minute.

Selma: “I don't know what it is about how you say “my wife” but like I'm going to keep whining about how I love it until you regret it.”

“I'm a vegan but I love the beef” …Huh?

Katie, maybe you feel uncomfortable because of the lice colony in your hair.

Katie: I think I want to go home
Sean: K bye

Date with Desiree

“Hi I'm Sean and my idea of a perfect date is making a girl feel like shit that she broke something and almost burst into tears. It's so hot dude.”

Desiree, if you keep saying, “I didn't touch it,” everyone will think you touched it. It's like when I'm blackout and I tell everyone I didn't even drink.

Sean and Desiree are apparently two people from two really happy families. OMG my mom's the best, no MY mom's the best, OMG I love you, no I love YOU!

Sean's really just looking for a BFF not a GF. He just wants someone he can fuck with on a general basis. Maybe Chris B. Harrison will be your bestie, S dawg.

Rose Ceremony

Ok weird girl Amanda who looks like Amanda Knox in that yellow dress. Big Bird angry. Big Bird bipolar.

Lindsay looks like a black and white cookie or a ying yang. You know your outfit sucks when I prefer you in a weird ass wedding dress.

Robyn – Woah, this chick just took race from being the unspoken issue from a potential law suit to like the focus of her one-on-one.

Sean: “They came to me and they said what kind of girls do you like and I said sweet girls. I once dated a black girl. Just don't bring me any Jews. The fuhrer wouldn't like it.”


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