Yay, The Bachelor season 389562837428 has finally begun and we're just so happy we don't have to look at Ben's ugly face and be reminded he looks like Francine from Arthur for like a million more episodes. Instead we have Sean who's actually so hot, minus his invisible eyelashes which are really creepy to think about. Sean really gave it to Chris B. Harrison and the producers by giving out roses as whimsically as he fucking pleased, sending the bachelorettes into drunken panics over who got an early rose and who didn't. Leave it to Sean to mix shit up in the most boring way possible. Not that he doesn't already make it extremely obvious when he's not into a girl (Am I going to have to blow my rape whistle?) since he's literally the worst actor since Honey Boo Boo.
So why was tonight different than every other first night of the Bachelor? Maybe because this time we have some seriously careerist bachelorettes, like the poker dealer, cruise ship entertainer, or jumbotron operator.
“I'm Sean Lowe I'm from Dallas and I'm more blonde than an SS Officer.”
Cut to 5 shots of Sean working out so we can see that he's got a sick body and his skin tone is darker than his hair. I seriously need sunglasses to watch this with the strong glare off of Sean's head. Sean, so Aryan right now, Sean.
Sean is the best uncle ever. You can tell because he chills in the hammock with his nephews. I can picture Sean's talk with his sister about whoring out her kids on TV. “Look I just need a shot of your kids running into my arms. ABC will give you like 45 bucks.”
RANDOM ARIE CAMEO
Ah, Arie taking a break from his busy racecar driving career to give Sean a metaphorical blow job and continue his 6 months of fame by giving Sean kissing lessons.
“I can’t use ‘it’s not you it’s me’, because it’s obviously gonna be them.”
“It was really good to see Arie, he had a lot of good advice for me. I’m pretty sure I won’t use any of it.”
“There’s 26 gorgeous women out here.” False Sean. There’s like 6. And the rest have no fucking clue how to dress.
Tierra – Wants to have a family. Loves God and Sean Lowe. For these reasons plus the little empty heart she drew on her finger, she got the first first impression rose. Listen Tierra this isn't Jet Blue, don't enter with your baggage.
Desiree – “Finding the perfect wedding dress is like finding the perfect man… the more money it's worth the better it is.” This bitch has clearly seen Bride Wars way too many times.
Sarah – Compliments on the skinny arm. First of all, give yourself some credit, you have 1.5 arms…you do however have one HAND. I mean, she deserves a chance to explain how she doesn't want him to assume that her arm situation “stumps” her personality, which is actually quite disarming.
I feel like they put the nub girl on simply for the blogs. Just wait, she'll end up being the only normal one on the show.
Robin – She's sick of being single, possibly owing to her proclivity towards spontaneous handstands. Chill out Gabby Douglas.
Diana – Classic story of a divorcee mom who leaves her children and busy life to traipse around the world and “find love” for 3 months. Don't get your hopes up Diana that was a one-time thing.
Ashley P – Hair stylist who chills with her cat. What a catch. 2011 called. They want their excessive 50 Shades of Grey references back.
“Ashley P. That girl’s a trip.” – Sean's diplomatic way of saying “she's a fucking crazy bitch.”
Lesley M – The political girl with the football. Awkward having to go to Kinkos and ask them to print you a Leslie/Sean 2012 sign. Hello, it's 2013.
Lauren – Italian mafia girl. I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse Sean, pick me choose me love me or else my father might snap your neck…love ya!
AshLee – Professional organizer yet can't seem to organize her dating life or figure out how to spell her name right. You went through many adoptive homes? Maybe because you kept voluntarily organizing everyones shit.
Selma – Short, pretty, and seemingly normal.
Catherine – IDK. Says weird shit.
Jackie – Has to physically mark Sean because her personality isn't memorable enough. Like a dog peeing on a hydrant.
Leslie – This girl was sort of ugly hot in an ethnic way, so she got an early rose meaning he likes her personality. Deep shit.
Daniella – Girl who taught him the handshake. Kind of looks like she smoked a crack pipe in the limo.
Lindsay – Showed up in a wedding dress because when your job is a substitute teacher you really need to make sure you find someone to marry you stat.
“Honestly, I wish I was more sober.”
Kelly – The cruise ship singer. That was the most awkward song I’ve ever heard brought to you by Token Fake Tan Bleached Blonde.
Katie – Yoga teacher. Curly hair has got to go. Somebody get this girl a hair straightener and like a pair of shoes. Namaste.
Lacey – Gave him heart of lace. Unmemorable.
Paige – The one from the Bachelor Pad 3 and all around failure at the Bachelor franchise.
Amanda – Awkward silence girl. Has huge teeth.
Kerriann – Says she drove like soooo far to get to meet him. Where the fuck are you from, the Arctic Circle? Do you want gas money or something?
Booke – Wow, one potential lawsuit and enter Brooke as the third black castmate. Quota officially filled.
Kristy – Model from Wisconsin. Excuse me, psychotic FORD model from Wisconsin.
Tiana – The model dressed as the Little Mermaid or like Nicki Minaj.
Jesus Christ there are actually 5 black girls. ABC is going hard. We'll call them the Dreamgirls.
Taryn – The girl who cried.
Kacie B – The bulimic girl from Ben's season whose face always looks like she's prairie doggin. She came on the show because “if I didn't come I might miss out on the person I might spend the rest of my life with” aka the bullshit reason I go out 5 nights a week. Does anyone remember when Kacie B stalked Ben and like sprawled herself out on the floor after he rejected her?
Is he going to even bother having a rose ceremony at this point? He gave out roses like free Costco samples.
He kept Kacie B, maybe because he didn't want to embarrass her seeing as there's no way she'll win. Can't fucking wait to see that breakdown.
“I got kicked off the Bachelor the first week. Who wants to date that girl??” – The cruise ship singing girl. What a legacy.
We're pissed he kept the crazy wedding dress girl over the crazy 50 Shades Ashley girl. 50 Shades was so much more entertaining, especially the face she made when she pulled the tie out from her dress for the third time. Sean: Oh uh, you still have it? Ashley: ::stares and creepily smiles at him::