The Best Bachelor Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 5

This week on The Bachelor the girls FINALLY got out of the house and got to visit what’s widely known as the most romantic city in America…Santa Fe, clearly. I love how the girls are pretending to be so excited to be in Santa Fe when they’re actually livid that they don’t get to go to Europe. Chris is really excited that the group is “past the get to know each other stage” and now at the “beg to give Chris a BJ stage.”

The dates consisted of a workshop with the world’s worst sex guru, a very pathetic looking rapids trip, and a hot air balloon ride. Finally, we got to witness the highlight of the season so far, which was Kelsey’s sociopathic meltdown by way of her ‘story’ which sounded a lot more like a modern day rewrite of Fatal Attraction.  

Date With Carly

Date Card: Let’s cum together…Chris

I’d really love to see Chris riding into the date on a hyena. They bring in a ‘love guru’ who is supposed to be New Mexican but it looks more like she is just wearing a lot of bronzer.

She then waves incense and shit around them and makes them take off each other’s clothes and touch each other. It seems a lot more like she’s really burning THC.

Love Guru: You’re going to use your breath to breath on Chris.
Chris: Her breath smells like onions.

THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I think I actually said “this is fucking ridiculous” about 5 times out loud during this scene.

The sex guru is about to have an orgasm as they discuss letting go of their masks.

Chris: If this random love guru can’t bring out the secrets of intimacy between me and Carly then there’s nothing there. I’m cautiously optimistic about letting this desert witch tie me up and spray incense around my head.

Chris: I was hoping this would help us get to another level in our relationship but it’s really weird. – I think we can all agree.

They both look like they’re about to throw up on each other as they stare into each other’s eyes while wearing white robes. I bet Carly is wishing she had a mint right about now.

Love Guru: Now just breathe heavily into each other’s faces.

I’m not at all into Carly’s makeup. I’m sure she’s gonna be pissed when she sees the excessive close ups of their faces.

::Carly breathes::
Chris: eewwww

Obviously you feel a romantic connection now Chris, she just sat on your dick.

Someone needs to help you with your eyebrows Carly. So not on fleek.

Chris brings so much to a conversation… 

Carly: My last boyfriend was totally grossed out by me.
Chris: Hmmm

Carly: I want a man to think of me as physically sexually. I never thought of myself as beautiful.
Chris: Nah you’re alright.

Chris to Carly: You is smart, you is kind, you is important.

Carly: For the first time in a long time I feel like there’s a chance for a reciprocated relationship.
The rest of America: Yea fucking right.

Group Date

Chris takes the girls rafting because SURPRISE! He’s an outdoorsy guy who needs a gal’ who can roll with the punches, go fly fishing, and give him head under the stars. Unfortunately for Jade, she does not do well with cold or clothes.

Kelsey is totally buggin’ …“Who do I need to drown in this lake to get some attention around here, ya know!?”


Megan is scared that the rapids are filled with alligators and dead bodies because her only knowledge of nature so far has been the movie Anaconda.

The Return of Jordan The Lush

Jordan the drunk returns definitely by way of the producers.

Chris: I remember Jordan, she gave a great drunk OTPHJ.

Chris relays his fears that Jordan was too drunk to really get to know him even though he enjoys a good stiff chardonnay is much as the next Iowan farmer.

The girls then freak the fuck out at the prospect of nice guy Chris allowing her to come back.

Whitney: I love Jordan. Love the shoes, love the hair, love the dress but she needs to get the fuck out.

While Whitney and Ashley both agree that Jordan has G2G, Whitney and Ashley have a falling out about Ashley’s plan to literally destroy Jordan if she ruins her chances at getting to manipulate Chris for another episode.

Ashley is worried that Jordan isn’t ready for the kind of commitment that Chris wants. You can really tell that Ashley just has Chris’ best intentions at heart when she says shit like this:


Chris then proves he’s a total pussy by changing his mind after the rest of the girls bitch to him and decides to send Jordan home anyway, adding an extra level of melodrama to an already insane episode. The girls happily part ways with Jordan…again.

Kelsey to Jordan: I’ll always admire you. ::stabs her in the stomach::

Thank God Chris gives the group date rose to Whitney and not Ashley.

Ashely: Whitney who I honestly looked at earlier in the day on the boat and thought I don’t have to worry about that.   – BURNNNNN, Ashley is the fucking worst.

Ashley then bitches to Mackenzie about how awful Whitney is. Mackenzie proves herself to be the cool girl’s less attractive sidekick who just tells girls what she wants to hear. “You’re like way prettier than Regina.”

Side Note: Samantha has the least airtime of anyone on this show ever. I didn’t even recognize her and this is like, week 5.

Date with Britt

Britt has a 30 second freak out about the possibility of having to jump off some tower or something because she has a fear of heights. ABC definitely asks these girls what their biggest fears are and then plans the dates around them just to fuck with them.

Chris decides to “surprise” Britt at 4 am with kisses in a room full of girls he’s also made out with. He should totally surprise Ashley I. while she’s not wearing makeup instead and we can turn this episode into a horror movie.

Shockingly, Britt is already fully done in hair and make up, which I guess, is an easy thing to pull off when you’re not concerned with taking a shower. But honestly ABC NO ONE FUCKING CASUALLY GOES TO SLEEP WITH GLITTER ON THEIR FACE. This isn’t fucking Electric Daisy Carnival.

Carly’s like actually kind of normal in that she’s upset that someone she had dry sex with yesterday is now shush-ing her so he can surprise make out with her roommate. “Okay I’ll be quiet while you surprise Brit and you guys have this moment.”

Britt and Chris go on a romantic hot air balloon ride and I can’t not make the Chris is the old dude from Up joke right now.

Chris: Holding Britt in the air, holding her in my arms, she sort of smelled like B.O. I’m gonna be honest.

Britt: I feel like Chris is my boyfriend. – He’s not.

Britt is so totally fake you can tell when she gets excited about a hotel room. Then again she can’t afford socks so…

Britt: And we took a NAP. — Yeah a little lap nap.

Carly’s cruise ship singer claws start to come out and she begins to get catty: “Maybe he likes a little dirt. #BrittDoesn’tShower”

Ashley I. then tries to start a tyranny against Britt. She starts planting the seeds about the potential for Britt to possibly be here for the wrong reasons. OMG BRIT SAYS SHE DOESN’T WANT TO GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHRIS’ BABIES IMMEDIATELY. WHAT A MANIAC!

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<h3 style=Crazy cakes KELSEY

Ashley: I think it’s weird that Kelsey’s husband died and she waited 5 weeks to tell everyone when I announced that I was a virgin within 5 minutes of my first date.

After seeing how well Britt’s date with Chris went, Kelsey decides to flip the switch and become a deranged lunatic. It all starts with a ‘surprise’ visit to Chris’ hotel room to tell him her ‘story’.

Kelsey: I don’t have bad news to share with you. I’m not going anywhere.
Chris: That’s what you think.

Kelsey: His name was Sanderson Poe. He had chocolate brown hair and we made love like wildcats. Then he died one day unexpectedly on the nicest day in Austin.

Kelsey definitely made this dead husband story up. “I love my story. My story is amazing. I wish he would just die all over again so I could re-live it and tell it again.”

You know Chris was totally going to get rid of her without this story.

Chris then tries to get Kelsey to go to the rose ceremony with him before she has a chance to pull a knife on him.

Chris: Shall we?
Kelsey: No
Chris: You gotta get out.

Kelsey then gets MAD FUCKING CREEPY and starts to sound like something out of Gone Girl.

Kelsey: This is my story. You get to watch her grow and watch her first kiss. Stay tuned Monday nights at 8 the love story unveiled.

Kelsey then turns full on sociopath. I feel like she poisoned this husband of hers because the way she says his name is creepy AS FUCK. There is no way Sanderson Poe is someone’s real name it sounds like something out of an old Jane Austen novel that she read during her stint in the psych ward.

Chris B. Harrison then comes in to explain what happened to Chris. “Chris knows exactly what he wants to do. He’s too big of a pussy to just do it so he needed to take a minute to delay the inevitable.”

Ashley: I’m so jealous of Kelsey’s dead husband. It’s so unfair that I don’t have that story. – Now the girls know that no dead husbands or teen pregnancies can save them now.

Kelsey then has a panic attack and I think all of America had a collective giggle. A producer calls 911 after finding her on the floor and that’s how Kelsey goes ape shit before she can be eliminated.

These girls are all trying to hold back the fact that they’re thrilled that Kelsey is having a nervous breakdown.

Kelsey: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!


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