The Best Bachelor In Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1

So last night was the riveting premiere of Bachelor in Paradise, and the most important thing I concluded from watching the episode is that there’s something about the way Chris Harrison says paradise that makes me feel like I’m about to be molested. So the point of the show is to make sure you’re in a couple every week or else you’ll get kicked off if no one gives you a rose at the rose ceremony. CONNECTION OR DIE. That’s the motto of this season. 

The girls on this show are both extremely stupid and extremely aggressive, not a good combo. But I like how everyone here pretends they didn’t already watch each other embarrass themselves on national television before meeting.


Clare said she hates douchey guys yet she was final two on Juan Pablo’s season. She’s also somehow more annoying than I remember her being on The Bachelor. Below is a compilation of extremely irritating shit she says throughout the episode, most of which involves referring to herself in the third person:

Marquel is super tropical. 

I’ve just been focusing on getting back to being Clare.

Being in paradise makes me feel like I have a fresh start. – OR you can get a real job.

I should’ve warned them not to kiss in the ocean. – YEAH YOU SHOULD’VE.

I don’t even know what a vista is but we walked out onto this vista. – A VISTA IS WHAT YOU JUST WALKED OUT ONTO, CLARE.

Clare upon getting the first date card: I had a dream about this! I had a dream about this! Everyone else: Shut the fuck up.

Is Clare legitimately talking to the raccoon about her drama with AshLee? Omg she is. “And then I got bit by fire ants, raccoon, you just don’t understand! Enough with the drama!” The raccoon is nodding. Clare has found her new best friend on the island.

Clare’s date with Robert

Clare, what groups did you and Robert hang out in together? A rejected Bachelor contestant chat room?

This looks like a date from hell. It’s so romantic to get eaten by ants.

Clare doesn’t even know what the words history and culture mean, Robert.

These ruins selfies are so weird but not as weird as Clare CONSTANTLY REFERRING TO HERSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON.

She actually just said knocked my socks off. Kill yourself.

Clare at the end of episode 1: “There’s still hope for Clare.”


First of all, who the fuck is Lacy??

She actually looks like a darker Christine Taylor.

Lacy doesn’t move her mouth when she speaks – did she get a boob job just for this show?

Lacy’s proclivity towards wearing Barbie pink triples her annoyingness.

Lacy: “I’m not sure. I’m 80/40.” Wow, that was embarrassing.


When I was on Sean’s season I felt really self-conscious about having one arm. – says ONE PERSON ever.

I wonder if Sarah will strong-arm her way into a couple this episode…

You were brought up to believe that skinny-dipping isn’t the way to build a foundation of a relationship?? NO WAY!!

Sarah was actually so cuteeeeee with her one piece and asking Marcus to kiss her. Too bad they had 0 chemistry.

Psychotic AshLee and Graham

When someone tells him she is maybe-single Graham freaks out: “I’m only interested in people who are extremely single!!” Okay so you can’t sit next to someone who made a joke about being single RELAX BRO.

If you’re crying on day two you’re not emotionally stable enough to be here.

“I’m the only normal person here besides him” – Ashlee, while crying because she is not going on a date with someone she’s known for 24 hours. That’s also a great thing to say to other contestants on the show that are not you and Graham.

“He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours.” OMG you guys are not in a relationship. RELAX. AshLee is a delusional dater poster child.

The Bachelor mansion will clearly be compulsively color coordinated this season.

AshLee’s claws are out so early. “She’s not pretty either. She’s such a slut. She slept with Juan Pablo. Do you think she’s not going to make a move on him?”

AshLee rationalizing her insanity: “At the end of the day this is Bachelor in Paradise. Anything goes.” Run Graham run.

Graham is so old I can’t believe he’s still doing this shit.

Graham: I just feel uber, uber uncomfortable.

Ooo Michelle and Graham are a threat because they used to date, have a secret handshake, and are old as fuck.

“I’m sure they’re doing last minute conversating.” – AshLee. These girls are BRILLIANT.

Great idea Graham, give the rose to the vindictive sociopath.

Everyone/Everything Else

I cannot tell Elise and Daniella apart.

Okay this house is not amazing. They describe it as “definitely fitting for paradise” aka a piece of shit.

Dylan has sweat stains the size of the Australian continent.

“Marcus just got out of a relationship with Andi.” – things delusional people say. But really, did Marcus jump off the plane after getting rejected by Andi and immediately come to Mexico?

I wish gay Drew was on this season.

What’s going on with Lacy’s up-do she looks like she has an elaborate birds nest in there.

Daniella’s clearly unsuccessful Bach in Paradise strategy: ‘I’m just gonna be like OMG like hey what’s up I’m Danielle let’s see if we vibe, yo”

Ben abandoning his son yet again to go get fucked up and laid in Mexico.

I didn’t know you could go on spring break ‘for the right reasons’.

The weirdest thing about Sarah is actually her voice.

The girls are flipping because Lacy got the two hottest guys in the house.

While watching Dylan and Elise kiss: “This is better than reality TV.”  – SO META MARCUS SO META

This is some forced ass conversation: “We totally witnessed their first kiss.” “Totally.”

Daniella and AshLee are clearly becoming fast friends and confidantes: “If Graham didn’t give the rose to AshLee I think he’d be the smartest man alive.”

Michelle has a 9 year old that’s ridic. I have to say she looks really good for 33. 

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

Marcus is then very sweet to Sarah when she confronts him about her concerns over not getting a rose: “You deserve a rose but I don’t like you.”

Michelle K.’s impromptu speech is the definition of awkward.

Chris Harrison: Marquel could you back the fuck up for a sec.

Chris Harrison: Why go so early when any of this could change? Michelle K: Keeping Up with The Kardashians premieres this week. 

Michelle K. just came here for a free trip to get a tan.

On Michelle K: “She has this look on her face like she’s plotting to kill you and your whole family.” She does have a fucking scary, devious look.

It sucks to get voted off the first day when it’s just one guy but when there are 6, BIG BLOW to the self esteem.


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