The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 1, Part 2

Last night on Bachelor in Paradise we witnessed the biggest surprise in Bachelor history, which was the fact that the episode was only one hour. Instead, the second hour of was a ridiculous excuse for Chris Harrison to bring out his inner Andy Cohen and have his own talk show. I mean…we’re not gonna NOT watch it, because obviously a post-game recap of the exact same thing I just watched is clearly what’s missing in my life.

Clare Arrives – Date with Mikey

So Clare arrived last night and the weirdest part about her entrance was that people actually greeted her kind of nicely and not like, OMG WHO IS SHE? WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE? Whatever, her weave looks good.

They’re doing the thing where they make Clare seem like she’s talking to an animal. This season is the crab. Sorry ABC it was only funny the first time and that’s only because she was crying. 

Clare: I feel like I creep on people’s convos. I feel like I creep on people’s ‘relashies.’ – That’s what you get for #108 being late Clare.

“I’m typically not attracted to beef hearts like Mikey.” – What’s a beef heart? It sounds like dinner for Maryann from True Blood. 

Mikey: I’ve always had a 5th grade school boy crush on you.
Clare: OMG really? I totally don’t care.

Mikey: Clare and I both have voluptuous behinds. – now that’s a good wedding vow. Write that down. Save it for next year. 

“My favorite position was downward Clare.” Did they take this whole yoga thing from that scene in Couple’s Retreat?

Mikey: I really want to kiss you right now.
Clare: Are you deaf? No?

Mikey: I guess I nailed it with Clare because I know that it’s mutual and to know that she feels that way means a lot to me. – Could you BE any more delusional? 

Ashley S. and Dan Date

Can someone please explain what happened to Ashley in the ambulance? Are we just not going to talk about that riveting event?

Ashley S: I like your face – Conversation so deep I can’t take it.

Ashley: I really like your sarcasm. – He did not say one sarcastic thing.

At the House

How is Jared the hot commodity? He manages a Roy Rogers!! Calling him a hot commodity is actually like, really insulting to the other guys.

Tenley: I’m like, oh my gosh everyone is like, touching each other’s knees and stuff!!

Ashley I: I hate the old ladies! I lost someone to an old lady before! I’m not going to lose a 26 year old to an old lady! Maybe I should take some shots or something?

These girls are not like THAT young to be talking shit about the ages of other people. This isn’t exactly Child Brides in Paradise. 

Jared to Ashley I: It’s tough being in a house with a lot of people that aren’t you because they seem more appealing. 

I’m convinced Lauren and Ashley I. are really one person like a Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap filming situation. 

Lauren is possibly the best thing to happen to the Bachelor franchise. She knows what’s up – come here for a week, get drunk and get a tan then go home. She’s also like the world’s worst sister. “Maybe it just looks like you’re awful at dating when I watch you objectively.”

Cocktail Hour

JJ is exactly the kind of guy who would say ‘why are you nervous’ while putting his hand on your ass.

Jillian: Last night, JJ promised me his rose, then he kissed me. This is the palm of my hand, this is JJ. – sounds like Monica Geller talking about her flower

Tenley: I would love to give you permission to kiss me if you want to. – Talk about some sexy lingo.

Tenley is proud of herself for prostituting herself out for a rose.

Ashley I. extremely unstable. I cannot believe her therapist let her go on this show. 

Rose Ceremony

We’re into Jade and Tanner. Chicest names on the show.

I hope Carly finds someone. Those eyebrows need love too. 

JJ is just upset because Clint isn’t here, we get it. 

Jillian’s like, fuck I got this boob job for nothing.

Last episode’s recap >>


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