As hard as we try (which in reality is not that hard), betches can’t cook. It’s not our fault, nobody really taught us how, we were #blessed to have personal chefs, nannies or like a mom our entire lives. That being said, there does come a time when a betch needs to pretend to be a grown-up and actually get food for herself. Now, she could just order out for every meal but that a) gets you fat and b) takes away precious alcohol money. TTH’s and nice girls might go to a farmer’s market because it’s “local” and “possibly cheaper,” but I don’t buy my food off the streets because I’m not fucking Aladdin. Which leads us to the grocery store.
The grocery store is a treacherous place for betches because we’re forced into a confined space full of povos and snack cakes. The best strategy is to get in, grab the essentials, and get out. That way you avoid the grocery store’s clever traps, like the inevitable stop-and-chat with people you know—or worse, employees—and the hot food counter. Let’s take a look at the must-have every betch has in her shopping cart.
Baby Carrots & Hummus: Carrots and hummus are a match made in heaven and the go-to afternoon snack. Pretty sure before George Washington Carver decided to mix PB&J, the ancient Greeks were eating carrots and hummus. The hummus makes up for the fact that carrots are pretty much just crunchy water. Also it’s totally healthy, esp when you eat like half a tub of Sabra in one sitting. Going through three bags of baby carrots per week def isn’t bad for your sugars like, at all.
94% Fat Free Popcorn: Popcorn. You make it in the microwave, it takes two minutes, and it’s absurdly filling despite having like no calories. What’s not to love? There was a legit point in time when I just ate popcorn for dinner. Some would call that disordered eating; I call it getting that last serving of vegetables in. If you don’t buy the 94% fat free kind though, you might as well just eat a stick of butter. Sure all that microwave popcorn is supposedly bound to give me cancer but at least I’m skinny now.
Avocados: Avocados are fucking delicious and if you claim to not like avocados you’re probably also a Solange Knowles fan.
Kale: For the idealistic betch who thinks she’ll actually make it past the results page of the inevitable “how the fuck do you cook kale?” Google search without being like “ugh, too much work” and giving up. This will be followed by an intense bout of buyer’s remorse once the betch realizes she could probably chew through latex easier than she could chew the kale salad she attempted.
String Cheese: I don’t eat anything all day, and then when I feel like I’m about to faint, I eat a string of cheese.
Wine: I could go to an actual wine store but that would be assuming I actually know shit about wine. Plus since my dad pays my grocery bill he’s basically funding my alcoholism.
Things to avoid
The deli counter: You actually have to talk to people and all that salt is going to make you gain at least 3 pounds.
The free samples: You’re better than that, betch!
The cardinal rule of the grocery store is, never go when you’re hungry or else it becomes your own personal version of The Hunger Games. Plus you might end up doing something you’ll regret, like buying full-fat Greek yogurt.