It’s nearly time for us all to sack up and shut up while we stuff our faces with the feast our forefathers promised. Fucking Thanksgiving is a time for us all to endure family members’ awkward questions, choke down some dry-ass turkey, indulge in stuffing which is literally bread soaked in grease, then sleep it off and immediately regret what we’ve done for the next week.
With our handy guide, though, you at least can’t plead ignorance regarding HOW bad your Thanksgiving table choices are. By choosing A over B, you may be able to save hundreds of calories—making it totally okay if you scarf down those 2-3 pieces of pie later.
NO: Mashed Potatoes
Ain’t nothin’ good for you in mashed potatoes. If Great Aunt Sally is making them again, you can bet she added cream, butter, cream cheese, and god knows what else to this concoction. Do they taste good? FUCK YES. But is it worth the insulin spike and retained fat that come with them? Nopes.
YES: Whipped Sweet Potatoes
These are the better starch alternative, provided they’re not topped with marshmallows, which is, shockingly, also sugar. Sweet potatoes are heart healthy, have lots of vitamins A and C, and are just overall the better choice for your plate.
NO: Canned Cranberry Sauce
Hooray for that gelatinous ringed mold that slithers out of a can every year to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Too bad it contains about 105 calories and 26 grams of sugar for every quarter cup and has a shit ton of preservatives that make it able to withstand a nuclear war.
YES: Cranberry Relish
We literally gave you this recipe for Friendsgiving, and for good goddamn reason. Since you’re literally pulsing together pecans, fresh cranberries, and orange, this is an all-around good choice to heap on your Thanksgiving plate. Plus, it has like half of the calories of the canned shit, plus a lot less sugar.
NO: Dark Meat With Skin
Come on. I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. There’s more fat in dark meat, and chances are you’re still going to smother it in gravy. So cut the calories where you can and DON’T DO IT.
YES: White Meat Without Skin
Boring? Yes. But definitely leaner and still packs on the protein you need for this star of the plate. If gramma cooks it right, hopefully it’ll be nice and—wait for it—moist.
NO: Green Bean Casserole
If you’re eating this shit, I hate you on a personal level. Who in their right mind thought to combine canned green beans with condensed mushroom soup and top it with “crispy” onions? If your host is making this the “traditional” way, keep it the fuck off your plate. It’s loaded with sodium (which will make you bloat) and calories that’ll make you chubby.
YES: Fresh Steamed Or Blistered Green Beans
Make your own green bean side and fill up on that. If you convince the host to serve something like this, chances are you can get away with extra stuffing or MAYBE one of the other “bad” foods listed.
NO: Pecan Pie
Do you want to know what evil tastes like? Cram this in your mouth, and experience 800 calories PER SLICE working its way into your stomach. That doesn’t even take into account the 54 grams of sugar. That’s enough to make diabeetus man roll over in his grave.
YES: Pumpkin Pie
Although not so extra as pecan pie, this is def the better choice at the table if you NEED dessert. For the same size slice as pecan, this rings in at a lil over 250 calories. So, shit, you could have TWO SLICES and still not hit the same mark as one slice of pecan.
We hope we’ve successfully ruined your Thanksgiving hopes and dreams. Yay!