Thanksgiving is coming up and it won’t be long until you’re sitting at home by the fire while your family attacks you with questions about your personal and love life. But don’t worry, you can dodge any and all prying questions like, “Do you have a boyfriend” and “Are you still living in that tiny apartment with that roommate with a drinking problem?” with these helpful tips.
Deflect any well-meaning questions from the people that gave birth to you by asking them questions first. Beat them to the punch by grilling your parents with guilt-inducing questions like, “How could you give away my baby toys?” and “Why did you go on vacation without me?” They’ll forget all about asking you about your love life because they’ll be thinking of a delicate way to answer your many questions.
It’s not that your life isn’t going perfect, it’s just that you know as soon as you answer one question, you’re opening up the floodgate to a whole interrogation. As much as you love your parents, having to explain your casual hookup situation to them when they ask when you’re going to give them grandkids is not something you want on the menu this Thanksgiving. You could easily lie, but seeing their hopeful faces as you make up a fake promotion at work just eats at you like bread in a celiac’s stomach.
When you’ve exhausted all your question asking, you can keep your family from asking about your life by picking a fake goal to get everyone excited about. For example, before your Aunt Becky can ask you, “So when are you going to [insert impossible success marker relevant to your career, like getting on SNL]?” you can announce, “I’m thinking about applying to grad school!” Everyone will marvel at your ambition, and if you’ve already gone to grad school, then replace that with “Thailand” or another far away country. This will give the table at Thanksgiving something to talk about other than what’s actually happening in your life. Your Aunt Susan’s and Uncle James’s will jump at the opportunity to give you worldly advice on your new fake announcement, and that should get you far enough through dinner until they’ve had enough wine to leave you alone.
When the excitement of your fake new goal wears off, you can avoid any further questioning by simply not being home. Aside from turkey and pie cutting, you’ll be like a shadow in your childhood home. Disappear after dinner to “meet your friends for a drink” and wake up early to “go for a run.” Whether or not you actually are out with friends is not important, what’s important is that you spend minimal time looking bored around family members that may want to question some of your decisions for you.
So, this Thanksgiving, be prepared for personal questions from your family members by avoiding them all together. Cranberry sauce kisses.