How you text can make or break your status in life. Text like a nice girl who knits and watches reality TV on Friday nights? You’re done. Text like a delusional dater who couldn’t take a hint if it hit her in the face? Every bro thinks you’re a joke. Text like your grandma who has a flip phone? The only pregames you’ll get invited to are those for ages 80 and above AKA none.
Betches love not answering texts, but on the rare occasion that we do take time out of our very hectic schedules – like when we’re getting a pedicure instead of a manicure – we know exactly the right thing to respond every single time.
For the clueless and untrained TTHs, here’s a list of texts to never send. Chances are if you ever send one of these texts to a bestie/bro/frenemy/any human being, you’re probably getting the “delete contact” treatment.
1. “Comeeeee over lol”
Betches are the booty called, not the booty caller. The second you text a bro this you show how much you care and that’s almost as bad as sending nudes.
2. “I need money”
Yes, we clearly rely on our parents to fund our lifestyles for the first two decades of our lives, but asking for more money in such a blunt way only increases the chance of getting cut off.
3. “It’s fine”
It’s absolutely never fine if you have to say it is, so stop being passive aggressive. Applies to many situations like telling your roommate it’s fine she never replaces the toilet paper or telling your coworker it’s fine she took all the credit.
4. “I’ll be ready by 9 P.M.”
You’re setting yourself up for failure with this one. A betch is never ready before 10:30 P.M.
5. “I just don’t understand how you could do that to me”
Betches don’t show weakness. If someone fucks you over, pretending you thought they were a better person is naïve. The silent treatment is always more effective.
6. Anything longer than 40 words
No one is reading your long ass text essays. Find a hobby.
7. “Hey, can I ask you a question?”
Just ask the fucking question. No one has time for this introductory shit.
8. “I need your advice”
Similar to number 7, but ten times worse because people are selfish and unless you are about to get married in Vegas, no one cares. Hire a therapist.
You’re not laughing. The recipient is not laughing. Stop lying to each other.
10. An emoji by itself
Clearly you weren’t ready to graduate middle school. Take your random dolphin emoji and go back to seventh grade.