Dear Betch, How Do I (Kindly) Tell My Ex To Fuck Off?

Dear Betch,

I’m going to a small music festival near my old college town next week. I was super pumped to go, get college-level fucked up, and maybe finally capture an Instaworthy Boomerang. Pretending post-grad life doesn’t blow was just a week away. That was until today when I got a Facebook message from an ex telling me that he will also be there and that we should “catch up.” I’m embarrassed AF that I even dated this guy and generally cringe when I think of that period of my life, so no, I would honestly rather play in traffic than catch up with him.

He’s tried to contact me a couple times in the last few months (we broke up over 2 years ago), to which I have either replied with short answers or ignored completely. The guy is so nice, but kind of a loser who is STILL a bouncer at my college bar. If you stand too close to him you can hear the ocean. I really want to avoid running into him fucked up on mushrooms and not-so-casually moonwalking away to dodge a hug, or alternatively, panicking and being really nice to him and then somehow getting bamboozled into making out with him. I know, it’s a 180. Just being honest with myself.

Like the Type A betch that I am, I’ve curated a list of how to handle this:

1. The Enya: buy a paddle for my river floatie so when I see him coming I can sail away.
2. Alchoholism: get so blackout drunk that if I do run into him I won’t remember.
3. Stealth: Wear one of those skin suits all weekend, making it impossible to recognize me. Try to reconnect with me while I’m wearing this:

4. The HBIC: Message him back and tell him to fuck off and please take a hint.

Most unfortunately, under my cold, rigid betch exterior lies a person who doesn’t want to hurt a nice guy’s feelings. Not giving a fuck is hard sometimes. What’s a betch to do?

Very Truly Yours,
Moonwalking Away From My Problems

Dear Relentless Betch,

“Relentless” because two emails and a tweet later, I have arrived to drag you solve your problems. I’m kind of like a bitchy Mother Theresa. Anywho, as much as I thoroughly enjoyed your email (both copies), and as viable as options 2 and 3 are, you’re worrying about a problem that is like, not a problem. Not in the sense that it’s a first world problem and people are dying out on the streets (that, too), but like, in the sense that this is a complete non-issue. Have you ever gone to a music festival? I have gone to more than my parents are comfortable hearing about, and let me tell you, festivals are one of the EASIEST places on Earth to avoid people. No cell reception, check. Crowds of people, check. Large open spaces, check. This is the fucking trifecta of enabling avoidance of people you don’t want to talk to. If your ex texts you, ignore it. Your phone’s either “dead” or “has no service.” Don’t bank on running into him, but if you see him, just do the whole “heyyyyyyy omg how are you???” *checks watch* “Well I gotta run, [Insert act] is about to start.” Then lose yourself in the crowd somewhere he can’t find you.

SO. FUCKING. EASY. Make sure at least 2-3 of your besties are on #ExWatch2K16 at all times and can warn you of an impending approach. We also did an article on our app about how to win running into your ex, so you can like, subscribe and read that. Yes, I am shameless with the promo. Deal.

As for the pre-fest, just don’t answer. Guys are fucking dense and will take any sort of response—even if it’s a hard “fuck off”—as encouragement to keep talking to you, so DON’T DO IT. Seeing as you broke up two fucking years ago and this dude still won’t give it a rest, this guy is obv a special kind of dense. Ignoring is the only way. Incidentally, that’s also my life motto. If you’re worried about feelings (ew), ignoring is the decidedly less bitchy, yet more betchy route than cursing him out. But repeat after me: His feelings are not your problem. But like, when you repeat it to yourself, replace “your” with “my.” You get it. Anywho. I think that about covers it. I will accept payment in the form of festival tickets.

You should be blackout anyway,

The Betches

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