Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Still Lives With His Parents

Just in time for the Memorial Day Instagrams, Taylor Swift has a new boyfriend. Say what you will about the girl, but her commitment to her personal brand is remarkable. Taylor has been (relatively) out of the public eye for a while now ever since Kim Kardashian eviscerated her on Snapchat. But she might have been laying low because she’s found material for her next album a new boyfriend. How is it that Taylor Swift is a publicly known psychopath and she has a new boyfriend every three months and I can barely find a guy to text me back? Life quandaries.

Taylor’s new victim boyfriend’s name is Joe Alwyn. Who? Apparently some British 26-year old “actor” who lives with his parents. This sounds like shitty fan fiction that Ed Sheeran wrote before he got famous. Joe is a G-List actor who was in his first movie last year—something called Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk. Oh you didn’t see it? Join the club. Like, you probably made more money last year than his film grossed. I guess Taylor’s reputation has finally caught up to her since the only guy she could pay convince to date her is a rando whose IMDB page is shorter than my resume. I would feel bad for her… except oh wait, I fucking don’t. The opposite, actually. Maybe karma is real, and Ashley from the fourth grade will finally get what’s coming to her. (That pencil-stealing bitch.)


Anyway, Taylor and What’s-His-Name haven’t gone public with their relationship yet, which means that they haven’t yet progressed to the level of being gross making out in public, and it will probably still be another three days or so before Taylor buys the house next to his. #TakingItSlow But apparently Taylor has been wearing disguises to go on dates with Joe. The lyric “Cause darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” seems horrifyingly too appropriate. So while Joe is pretty much unknown at the moment, something tells me he’s about to get his 15 minutes of paparazzi-fueled fame followed by months of abuse from Taylor Swift fans on Twitter and a shitty book deal.

Let’s all say a prayer for Mr. Alwyn.


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